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Tantrums are how small children deal with frustration and disappointment.
Children don't tantrum just to annoy you.
Tantrums are more likely if your child is stressed or tired.
Reducing events that trigger tantrums can help prevent them.
Having a plan for what to do when your child tantrums will make it easier for you to stay calm.
Tantrums are what you do when you don't have more grown-up ways of dealing with frustration and disappointment .
Coming in all shapes and sizes, temper tantrums can involve spectacular explosions of anger and frustration and disorganized behavior (when your child ‘loses it'). You might see crying, screaming, stiffening limbs, arching backs, kicking, falling down, flailing about or running away. In some cases, children hold their breath, vomit, break things or get aggressive as part of a tantrum.
Some children throw more tantrums than others. A child's temperament can influence how emotional a child becomes when they are frustrated. All children are more likely to tantrum when they are feeling stressed , hungry, tired or over stimulated. Like adults, children are more likely to tantrum when they find themselves in a situation they just can't cope with (for example, an older child takes a toy away from them).
If your child throws tantrums, you are not alone. Researchers in the United States asked over 1200 parents about their children's tantrums, and this is what they found:
Age of child |
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| . | 18 – 24 months |
30 – 36 months |
42 – 48 months |
Percentage of children who throw temper tantrums |
87% |
91% |
59% |
From Potegal & Davidson (2003)
Tantrums are extremely common among children aged 18-36 months, but usually tail off by the time a child turns four.
How often does most kids tantrum? And how long do tantrums generally last? The parents in this study reported that, on average, tantrums lasted for:
Two minutes in one year-olds
Four minutes in two to three year-olds
Five minutes in four year-olds
And occurred:
Eight times a week for one year-olds
Nine times a week for two year-olds
Six times a week for three year-olds
Five times a week for four year-olds.
Tantrums decline as children develop more effective ways of handling bad feelings and communicating their wants and needs using words . However tantrums can continue – even into adulthood – if they become a reliable way for your child to get what he wants. There is a lot you can do to make it less likely that tantrums will continue into the school-age years. The most important of these is to make sure you don't accidentally reward tantrums.
The low-key approach to dealing with tantrums
This approach is suitable for very young children (one to two year-olds), or for children whose tantrums do not occur very frequently or very severely.
Prevent tantrums by reducing stress . Tired, hungry and over stimulated children are more likely to throw tantrums.
Be aware of how your child is feeling . If you can see a tantrum brewing, step in and try distracting your child with another activity.
Identify tantrum triggers . If certain situations – shopping, visiting or mealtimes – frequently involve temper tantrums, think of ways to make these events easier on your child. For example, you could time the situations so your child is not tired, eats beforehand, or is not required to behave for too long.
When a tantrum occurs, stay calm (or pretend to!) . If you get angry, it will inflame the situation and make it harder for both of you. If you need to speak at all, keep your voice calm and level, and act deliberately and slowly.
Wait out the tantrum – ignore the behavior until it stops. Once a temper tantrum is in full swing it's too late for reasoning or distraction. Your child won't be in the mood to listen, and you run the risk of teaching your child that tantrums get your full involvement and attention.
Make sure that there is no pay-off for the tantrum . If the tantrum occurs because your child does not want to do something (such as get out of the bath), gently insist that he does (pick him up out of the bath). If the tantrum occurs because your child wants something, do not give him what he wants.
Be consistent and calm in your approach . If you sometimes give your child what he wants when he tantrums and sometimes don't, you risk the problem becoming worse.
Reward good behavior . Enthusiastically praise your child when he manages frustration well.
Dealing with persistent or severe tantrums
You can use this approach if your child is older than two and:
Tantrums are severe and very disruptive to family life
Tantrums are causing you and your child significant distress
You find it difficult to ignore tantrums
You worry that you might become angry and hurt your child when he tantrums.
The steps in the following approach have been tested and found to be useful over many years of scientific research into helping parents manage difficult child behavior.
1. Keep a diary of your child's tantrums for 7-10 days. Draw up a chart with four columns. Record the day of the tantrum, where it happened, what happened just before it, and what happened right afterwards.
2. Identify the situations that make tantrums more likely to occur (for example, tiredness, going shopping, mealtimes). Plan ways of avoiding those situations or making them less stressful for your child.
3. Identify the triggers for your child's tantrums . Common triggers include being told ‘no' or being asked to do something. Look for ways of reducing or avoiding tantrum triggers. The table below has some ideas.
Trigger |
Prevention |
Being told ‘no' |
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Being asked or told to do something |
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Frustration with an object or activity (for example, making a toy work) |
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4. Identify the consequences of the tantrum . Can you see ways that the behavior is being accidentally rewarded by your actions or the actions of others?
5. Establish a reward system to give your child extra encouragement for staying calm .
6. Help your older child learn and practice coping skills in situations where he'd normally have a tantrum. For example, ‘Michael, in five minutes time I am going to ask you to turn off the Xbox. This is a chance for you to show me how calm and grown-up you can be. How are you going to handle it?' Or, ‘Sonia, take a deep breath and stay calm. I want you to stay calm after you have my answer. Can you do that?'
Here are two possible options when your child throws a tantrum:
Ignore the tantrum : turn away from your child, do not look at or speak to your child while they tantrum. It might help to walk away from your child.
Use time-out : this is an effective strategy if the tantrums are particularly bad or you find it impossible to ignore tantrums.
For more information on the In Touch workshops, see www.intouchparenting.co.za .
