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Notes taken from lecture at The Parent Centre by Helen Gosnell
Natural progression of sexual curiosity:
This is more or less what children want to know at various stages:
2 to 3 years old – they know sexual identity ie boy or a girl. By 3, they become aware of the differences between sexes. They use this year to explore their bodies, what are the different parts, what are they used for, how do boys and girls differ. The concept of privacy begins to form.
Between 3 and 5, your child becomes romantically attached to the parent of the opposite sex and may be heard saying they want to marry that parent. They may also become competitive with the parent of their sex.
5 to 6 years old – Imitations of adult relationships and sex play. They learn your ability to cope with sexuality and will keep secrets from you if they feel you can't cope. This is a crucial time for plenty of open sex talk. Don't punish your child for playing sex games.
7 to 9 years old – All girls should be prepared for the onset of menstruation; boys should be knowledgeable as well. Children need to know about the changes to their bodies and that each of us is on a different schedule. Same sex play is common at this age and does not mean homosexuality.
10 to 12 years old – half of today's children reach puberty before the age of 13. It is a long process which involves physical and emotional changes. Talk is crucial during this phase. Children need specific information about wet dreams, kissing, peer pressure etc.
13 years and older – many teenagers begin masturbating in earnest. Fantasies rage and lead to guilt and fears– especially of normality. Obsessive concerns about bodies are common. Boys worry about penis size and constant erections. Relationships are being formed and peer pressure is very strong.
Tips for talking about sexuality with your toddler:
1. Think about your values.
2. Begin early:
3. Talking is on-going:
4. Look for teachable moments:
5. Praise the question and the questioner:
6. Try not to put off the questioner:
7. Don't laugh or make a joke:
8. Give age-appropriate information: Always try to match your answer to the age of the child. Using the example of “Where did I come from?”
· A 3 year old needs to know that babies grow inside their mommy's tummy until they are big enough to be born.
· A 4-6 year old needs to know about a seed from daddy joining with an egg from mommy to make you.
· A 6-8 year old can hear about sperm inside the scrotum mixing with semen which carries the sperm to mommy's egg. They find each other by daddy's penis carrying the semen to mommy's womb and one of the sperm joining up with an egg to start a new baby.
· Only by about 8 years old are they ready to hear the whole story including the mechanics of sex.
However, children are all different and take this example as a rough guide only.
9. Don't overestimate children's knowledge:
10. Tell the truth:
11. Always use the correct names:
12. Add your values:
13. Actions speak louder than words:
Genital Stimulation:
- Exploration: Children discover their genital area soon after potty training. For so long it has been a covered up area and now it is free to explore. They also discover that there is some pleasure in the stimulation.
- Absolutely no physical harm can be done by this , despite the tales about blindness and the like
- Don't overreact: The most important thing to remember, as hard as it often is, is not to over react. The child is doing a perfectly normal, human activity that is done at some time or another by everyone. Because we feel it is not appropriate to see this behaviour, we often feel embarrassed and pass on these feelings to our children.
- Acknowledge: it is best to acknowledge what the child is doing. “You are exploring, I know it feels nice”
- Stress gently it is a private, not public activity: explain that this is something best done alone in one's room, while making it perfectly ok to do.
- No guilt or shame in words or actions: Sometimes we use the right words, but can also show in our actions that they child is being inappropriate. If a child is playing with their genital area in public, we need to gently remind them to continue in private or only to do that in private, without swatting their hands away and falling victim to our own embarrassment.
- Don't ignore: Also remember that you should not ignore this behaviour as the child does need to learn it is appropriate in private and not in public places
- One can ignore when children are tired / at sleep time
- There may be cause for concern with frequent stimulation (frequent is a relative term and you will know your child well enough to know what this is). There are two reasons for frequent stimulation (three if it is one of the signs of a child having been abused): 1/ Boredom – children who spend a lot of time in front of the television have nothing else to do with their hands. 2/ Anxiety – if a child is anxious about something in their life, he or she may resort to stimulation frequently. Trying to understand what the problem is and dealing with that problem is the best way of handling this, rather than going directly to the behaviour that has resulted.
- Discuss attitudes and approach with children's caregivers.
Playing doctor:
- Exploration: Children, having explored their own bodies, are excited to understand the similarities and differences between themselves and other children
- Girls exploring girls bodies and boys exploring boys bodies is perfectly normal and shows absolutely no indication of future sexual orientation
- Again, do not overreact and do not ignore
- Again, acknowledge what they are doing and the interest
- Be very careful not to make the children feel guilty or shameful
- Answer any questions that they might have and even invite questions
- Gently redirect their attention away from one another, get them dressed. It may be appropriate to redirect attention to a book explaining what they are interested in. Depending on who the other child is, this may also not be appropriate. In this case, redirect attention and later on explain via books and conversation to your child.
- Remember, that children are in this exploratory phase for a brief period. They will soon lose interest and move on (only to return at puberty). However, how you handle this can leave emotional scars for years. Be gentle and understanding.
For more information about The Parent Centre see www.theparentcentre.org.za.
