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Everybody loves a happy, smiling and friendly child. These 'fun' emotions are easy for everyone to handle. However, when the dark side of your toddler emerges, it becomes more difficult to manage.
No one knows more than you that your toddler is able to do a lot more now than he could when he was a baby. He wants to learn and discover more about this new and exciting life of his, but explodes with rage when he realizes that he still needs help in this new-found quest for independence! A child, just like an adult, will experience a range of different emotions in the course of each day. By not having the right words to express his anger, confusion, fear or insecurity, your toddler may signal his distress in non-verbal ways such as tears, wailing and flailing arms and legs. In some instances he will be so frustrated that he may push or bite another child. With sensitivity and consistency, you will be able to teach your child that all feelings are okay, but not all behaviours are.
Temper tantrums
Seemingly bad behaviour and temper tantrums seem to go together. Your delightful child suddenly stamps his feet defiantly if he can't get his own way, or flies into a rage for no apparent reason. Temper tantrums are a necessary and healthy (but difficult) part of growing up.
Toddlers have a low level of frustration - temper is easily triggered when things don't go according to their plan. In younger toddlers (under the age of 3), most tantrums are caused when they become frustrated with their inability to perform certain tasks, such as putting on their own shoes. This is when a helping hand, not punishment, is all that is needed, and the tantrum soon abates. If your four-year-old uses a tantrum to deliberately defy your authority, then something must be done about this.
It is important to remember that overtiredness and over-stimulation leading to sensory overload, also contribute towards temper tantrums and bad behaviour. It is especially worse in public situations, where unfamiliar people, loud noise, bright lights and different smells are too much for your toddler to handle. He will also know that he does not have your full attention in a public setting, so will play up in order to get it!
Prevention is better than cure!
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Modulate the stimulatory environment or remove your child from it if you see any signs of overload |
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Watch awake times - try to plan outings and activities during your child's awake times to avoid tantrums and tears. |
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Be consistent. Try to stick to a routine. Routine is important to toddlers - it gives them boundaries and predictability in their world, which helps them feel secure. |
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Avoid hunger. Your toddler needs to eat frequently, so don't let him get too hungry - he will become very grumpy. |
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Prevent a situation from arising: If you see that your two-year-old is struggling to put on his shoes and is getting frustrated, step in and offer to help him before he loses his temper. |
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Offer him choices whenever possible. Instead of saying, "Eat your beans", rather say, "Would you like beans or squash?" |
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Try to choose your battles - is it really the end of the world if your toddler goes out with two different shoes on? |
Tackling temper tantrums
As a parent, it is always important to help your child make sense of what is happening and how he is feeling. This way, your toddler will learn to trust his feelings and solve many of his own problems.
Acknowledge his feelings
Try to get into the habit of always acknowledging how your child is feeling by giving his feeling a name, then mirror the feeling, then offer some sort of distraction. This way, your child will get the message from you that whatever he is experiencing is not dangerous, not out of control and can be managed.
Stay calm
Stay calm in the storm of the tantrum! Your role is to contain his distress, so don't stomp out of the room, try not to shout if he shouts, or be angry if he is angry (this will only lead to two toddlers in the room!)
Stand your ground
Don't give in to the tantrum - if you do this you will only be reinforcing the negative or bad behaviour. By conceding, you will only be teaching your child that all he needs to do is have a 'frothy' in order to get what he wants. It is best to ignore the behaviour.
In the throes of a tantrum, never plead, beg or negotiate - it will give your child the message that you are anxious and not in control.
Create distance
Walk away if you feel that you are losing control - take some deep breaths and count to ten, then return. Use 'time out' if your toddler is older than 2 years of age.
Give praise where due
Always remember to praise and acknowledge your child when he has handled a difficult situation well, or if he has done as you have asked. This way, you only reward positive behaviour, and largely ignore the negative behaviour.
Remember: Tempter tantrums are common and easy to handle - just keep calm and wait it out.
© Ann Richardson. Extract from Toddler Sense (Metz Press), courtesy of Ann Richardson. Toddler Sense can be ordered online at www.babysense.co.za.
