Jokes & Other Funnies

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Culinary Terror!

My brother sent this on to me and for those of us with fussy eaters I think it's genius - gross yes, but genius all the same! Simply cut up your sausages, skewer a few bits of spaghetti through them (get the kids to help!) and then boil until the pasta is cooked through. Add sauce or serve as is and look on in horror which the kids enjoy!

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Pregnancy & Birth FAQ

• Q: Am I more likely to get pregnant if my husband wears boxers or briefs ?
  A: You'll have an even better chance if he doesn't wear anything at all
• Q: What do you call a pregnancy that begins while using birth control ?
  A: A misconception
• Q: What is the easiest way to figure out exactly when I got pregnant ?
  A: Have sex just once a year
• Q: What is a chastity belt ?
  A: A labor-saving device
• Q: When does a woman's biological clock start ticking ?
  A: Right after she looks in the mirror and thinks, "On no, crow's feet !"
• Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving ?
  A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant
• Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex ?
  A: Childbirth
• Q: Should I have a baby after 35 ?
  A. No, 35 children is way too many already
• Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
  A: With any luck, right after he finishes high school 
• Q: How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
  A: If it's the flu, you'll get better
• Q: Does pregnancy affect a woman's memory?
  A: Most of the ladies I asked don't remember
• Q: My breasts, bum & even my feet have grown.  Is there anything that gets smaller during pregnancy ?
  A: Yes, your bladder
• Q: The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
  A: Because you're fatter then they are
• Q: My wife is 5 months pregnant and so moody that she's borderline irrational.
  A: So what's your question?
• Q: What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a Playboy centerfold?
  A. Nothing, if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him
• Q: What position should the baby be in during the ninth month of pregnancy?
  A: Head down, pressing firmly on your bladder
• Q: What are forceps?
  A: Giant baby tweezers
• Q: What's the best way to get a man to give up his seat to a pregnant woman?
  A: Brute force
• Q: How do I know if my baby has dropped?
  A: He/She will start crying. Be more careful!
• Q: How long is the average woman in labour?
  A: Whatever she says, divided by two
• Q: My midwife says it's not pain I'll feel during labour, but pressure. Is she right?
  A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current
• Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
  A: Right after you find out you're pregnant
• Q: Is there a reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labour?
  A: Not unless the word "alimony" is a concern for you
• Q: I'm modest. Once I start to deliver, who will see me in that delicate position?
  A: Authorized hospital personnel only -- doctors, nurses, orderlies, photographers, florists, cleaning crews, journalists, etc.
• Q: What does it mean when the baby's head is crowning?
  A: It means you feel as thought not only a crown but the entire throne is trying to make it's way out of you
• Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
  A: Yes, pregnancy
• Q: Does labour cause hemorrhoids?
  A: Labour causes anything you want to blame it for
• Q: Where is the best place to store breast milk?
  A: In your breasts
• Q: Is there a safe alternative to breast pumps?
  A: Yes, baby lips
• Q: What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?
  A: It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her plans to breastfeed
• Q: What is the best time to wean the baby from breastfeeding?
  A: When you see teeth marks
• Q: What is the grasp reflex?
  A: The reaction of new father's when he sees new mother's breasts
• Q: Can a mother get pregnant while breasfeeding?
  A: Yes, but it's much easier if she removes the baby from her breast and puts him to sleep first
• Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
  A: Not if your change the baby's diaper very quickly
• Q: What causes baby blues?
  A: Tanned, hard-bodied bimbos
• Q: What is colic?
  A: A reminder for new parents to use birth control
• Q: What are night terrors?
  A: Frightening episodes in which the new mother dreams she's pregnant again
• Q: Will I love my dog less when the baby is born?
  A: No, but your husband will most likely get on your nerves
• Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to act normal?
  A: Possibly when the kids are in college

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It's all in the wording - for all the Mums we know...

A woman named Emily renewing her driver's license at the Transport office was asked by the clerk to state her occupation.   She hesitated, uncertain how to classify herself.   "What I mean is," explained the clerk, "do you have a job, or are you just a...?
"Of course I have a job," snapped Emily. "I'm a Mum."
"We don't list 'Mum' as an occupation... ' housewife ' covers it," said the clerk emphatically.
I forgot all about her story until one day I found myself in the same situation, this time at our local police station. The Clerk was obviously a career woman, poised, efficient, and possessed of a high sounding title like, "Official Interrogator" or "Town Registrar."
"What is your occupation?" she probed.
What made me say it, I do not know...  The words simply popped out. "I'm a Research Associate in the field of Child Development and Human Relations."
The clerk paused, pen frozen in midair, and looked up as though she had not heard right. I repeated the title slowly, emphasizing the most significant words. Then I stared with wonder as my pronouncement was written in bold, black ink on the official questionnaire!
"Might I ask," said the clerk with new interest, "just what you do in your field?"
Coolly, without any trace of fluster in my voice, I heard myself reply, "I have a continuing programme of research, (what mother doesn't), in the laboratory and in the field, (normally I would have said indoors and out). I'm working for my Masters, (each family member), and already have four credits, (all daughters).  Of course, the job is one of the most demanding in the humanities, (any mother care to disagree?) and I often work 14 hours a day, (24 is more like it).  But the job is more challenging than most run-of-the-mill careers and the rewards are more of a satisfaction rather than just money."
There was an increasing note of respect in the girl's voice as she completed the form, stood up, and personally ushered me to the door .
When I got home, buoyed up by my glamorous new career, I was greeted by my lab assistants -- ages 10, 7, and 3.  Upstairs, I could hear our new experimental model, (a 6 month old baby), in the child-development programme, testing out a new vocal pattern.   I felt I had triumphed over bureaucracy!  And I had gone on the official records as someone more distinguished and indispensable to mankind than "just another Mum."
Motherhood... What a glorious career! Especially when there's a title on the door. (Does this make grandmothers "Senior Research Associates in the field of Child Development and Human Relations" , and great grandmothers "Executive Senior Research Associates"???   I think so!!!  I also think it makes Aunts "Associate Research Assistants”.)

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Have you ever wondered?

- Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
- Why women can't put on mascara with their mouths closed?
- Why you don't ever see the headline "Psychic wins lottery"?
- Why "abbreviated" is such a long word?
- Why doctors call what they do "practice"?
- Why you have to click on the "Start" icon to close Windows?
- Why lemon juice is made with artificial flavour, while dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?
- Why the man who invests all your money is called a "broker"?
- Why there isn't mouse-flavoured cat food?
- Why Noah didn't swat those two mosquitos?
- Why they don't make the whole plane out of the same material used for the indestructible blackbox?
- Why sheep don't shrink when it rains?
- Why they are called "apartments" when they are all stuck together?
- Why they call the airport "the terminal" if flying is so safe?

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The Birth Order of Children

Your clothes
1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.
2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.

Preparing for the Birth
1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
2nd baby: You don’t bother because you remember that last time, breathing didn’t do a thing.
3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your eighth month.

The layette
1st baby: You pre-wash newborn’s clothes, colour co-ordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby’s little bureau.
2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.
3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can’t they?

Worries
1st baby: At the first sign of distress – a whimper, a frown – you pick up the baby.
2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.
3rd baby: You teach your three-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.

Pacifier
1st baby: If the pacifier falls on the floor, you put it away until you can go home and wash and boil it.
2nd baby: When the pacifier falls on the floor, you squirt if off with some juice from the baby’s bottle.
3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in.

Diapering
1st baby: You change your baby’s diapers every hour, whether they need it or not.
2nd baby: You change their diaper every two to three hours, if needed.
3rd baby: You try to change their diaper before others start to complain about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees.

Activities
1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing and Baby Story Hour.
2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.

Going out
1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home five times.
2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.
3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.

At home
1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
2nd baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your older child isn’t squeezing, poking or hitting the baby.
3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.

Swallowing coins (a favourite)
1st baby: When the first child swallows a coin, you rush the child to the hospital and demand x-rays.
2nd baby: When the second child swallows a coin, you carefully watch for the coin to pass.
3rd baby: When the third child swallows a coin you deduct it from his allowance!

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You know you're a mother when...

- You count the sprinkles on each child's cupcake to make sure they're equal
- You have the time to shave only one leg at a time
- You hide in the bathroom to be alone
- Your kids throw up and you catch it
- You consider finger paints to be a controlled substance
- You hope that tomato sauce classifies as a vegetable, since it's the only way your child eats
- You hire a sitter because you haven't been out with your husband in ages, and you spend half the night checking on the kids
- You use your own saliva to clean your child's face
- You say at least once a day that you're not cut out for this job but you know that you wouldn't trade it for anything!

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59 and pregnant...

A woman went to the doctor's office, where she was seen by a young, new doctor. After about 4 minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant. She burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall.

An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story. After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room.

The doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the first doctor was and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 59 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"

The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said, "Does she still have the hiccups?"

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The Birds and the Bees

A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?" The father answers: "Well son, I guess one day you will find out anyway!

Your Mom and I first digitally linked in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We interfaced
in a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.

Just as I was ready to do the data transfer, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button; nine months later a little icon appeared that said:

You got Male.

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Real Women vs Ladies

LADIES- If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking; drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant "fix-me-up."
REAL WOMEN- If you over-salt a dish while you are cooking; that's too damn bad. Please recite with me, The Real Women's motto: "I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes."

LADIES- Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
REAL WOMEN- Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink. You might still have the headache, but who cares!

LADIES- Stuff a miniature marshmallow at the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.
REAL WOMEN- Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake. You are probably lying your ass on the couch, with your feet up anyway.

LADIES- To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
REAL WOMEN- Buy boxed mashed potato mix and you don't have to worry about the potatoes growing arms and legs.

LADIES- When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the inside of the cake.
REAL WOMEN- Go to the bakery - they'll even decorate the sonofabitch for you.

LADIES- Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.
REAL WOMEN- Sara Lee frozen bloody pie directions do not include brushing egg whites, so I don't do it.

LADIES- If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
REAL WOMEN- Go ask the very HOT neighbor guy to do it. And finally the most important tip....

LADIES- Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.
REAL WOMEN- Leftover wine??

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The Love Dress

A mother-in-law stopped unexpectedly by the recently married couple's house. She rang the doorbell and stepped into the house. She saw her daughter-in-law standing naked by the door. "What are you doing?" she asked. "I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"My husband loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy. I would appreciate it if you would leave because he will be home from work any minute."

The mother-in-law was tired of all this romantic talk and left. On the way home she thought about the love dress. When she got home she got undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and waited by the front door.

Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her standing naked by the door.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress," she replied.

Husband: "Needs ironing!"

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Why God Made Mums

Answers given by  second grade school children to the following questions :

Why did God make mothers?

1. She's the only one who knows where the sticky tape is.

2. Mostly to clean the house.

3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

How did God make mothers?

1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.

2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.

3. God made my Mum just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.

What ingredients are mothers made of?

1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.

2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.

Why did God give you Your mother & not some other mum?

1. We're related.

2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's mums like me.

What kind of little girl was your mum?

1. My mum has always been my mum and none of that other stuff.

2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.

3. They say she used to be nice.

What did mum need to know about dad before she married him?

1. His last name.

2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?

3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?

Why did your mum marry your dad?

1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mum eats a lot.

2. She got too old to do anything else with him.

3. My grandma says that Mum didn't have her thinking cap on.

Who's the boss at your house?

1. Mum doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball.

2. Mum. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.

3. I guess Mum is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.

What's the difference between mums & dads?

1. Mums work at work and work at home & dads just go to work at work.

2. Mums know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.

3. Dads are taller & stronger, but mums have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.

4. Mums have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.

What does your mum do in her spare time?

1. Mothers don't do spare time.

2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.

What would it take to make your mum perfect?

1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.

2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.

If you could change one thing about your Mum, what would it be?

1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.

2. I'd make my Mum smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.

3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.

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A Toddler's Rules of Possession

1. If I like it, it's mine.

2. If it's in my hand, it's mine.

3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.

4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.

5. If it's mine, it must NEVER appear to be yours in anyway.

6. If I'm doing or building something, all the pieces are mine.

7. If it looks just like mine, it is mine.

8. If I saw it first, it's mine.

9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine.

10. If it's broken, it's yours.

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The Toddler Diet

People are always on the lookout for a new diet. The trouble with most diets is that you don't get enough to eat (the starvation diet), you don't get enough variation (the liquid diet) or you go broke (the all-meat diet). Consequently, people tend to cheat of their diets, or quit after 3 days. Well, now there's the new Toddler Miracle Diet.

Over the years you may have noticed that most two year olds are trim. Now the formula to their success is available to all in this new diet. You may want to consult your doctor before embarking on this diet, otherwise, you may be seeing him afterwards. Good Luck!

DAY ONE Breakfast: One scrambled egg, one piece of toast with grape jelly. Eat 2 bites of egg, using your fingers; dump the rest on the floor. Take 1 bite of toast, then smear the jelly over your face and clothes.

Lunch: Four crayons (any color), a handful of potato chips, and a glass of milk (3 sips only, then spill the rest).

Dinner: A dry stick, two pennies and a nickel, 4 sips of flat Sprite.

Bedtime snack: Throw a piece of toast on the kitchen floor.

DAY TWO Breakfast: Pick up stale toast from kitchen floor and eat it. Drink half bottle of vanilla extract or one vial of vegetable dye.

Lunch: Half tube of "Pulsating Pink" lipstick and a handful of Purina Dog Chow (any flavor). One ice cube, if desired.

Afternoon snack: Lick an all-day sucker until sticky, take outside, drop in dirt. Retrieve and continue slurping until it is clean again. Then bring inside and drop on rug.

Dinner: A rock or an uncooked bean, which should be thrust up your left nostril. Pour Grape Kool-Aid over mashed potatoes; eat with spoon.

DAY THREE Breakfast: Two pancakes with plenty of syrup, eat one with fingers, rub in hair. Glass of milk; drink half, stuff other pancake in glass. After breakfast, pick up yesterdays sucker from rug, lick off fuzz, put it on the cushion of best chair.

Lunch: Three matches, peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Spit several bites onto the floor. Pour glass of milk on table and slurp up.

Dinner: Dish of ice cream, handful of potato chips, some red punch. Try to laugh some punch through your nose, if possible.

FINAL DAY Breakfast: A quarter tube of toothpaste (any flavor), bit of soap, an olive. Pour a glass of milk over bowl of cornflakes, add half a cup of sugar. Once cereal is soggy, drink milk and feed cereal to dog.

Lunch: Eat bread crumbs off kitchen floor and dining room carpet. Find that sucker and finish eating it.

Dinner: A glass of spaghetti and chocolate milk. Leave meatball on plate. Stick of mascara for dessert.

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A husband's worst nightmare

A man came home from work and found his three children outside, still in their pyjamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrapers strewn all around the front yard. The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house and there was no sign of the dog. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door. He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over the toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she may be ill, or that something serious had happened. He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door. As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap, and more toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls.
As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pyjamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?"
She again smiled and answered: "You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world did I do today?" "Yes," was his incredulous reply. She answered: "Well today I didn't do it."

Thanks to Roxanne for this!

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Letter to Santa Clause

Dear Santa

I've been a good mom all year. I've fed, cleaned and cuddled my children on demand, visited the doctor's office more than my doctor, sold sixty-two cases of candy bars to raise money to plant a shade tree on the school playground. I was hoping you could spread my list out over several Christmases, since I had to write this letter with my son's red crayon, on the back of a receipt in the laundry room between cycles, and who knows when I'll find anymore free time in the next 18 years.

Here are my Christmas wishes:

I'd like a pair of legs that don't ache (in any color, except purple, which I already have) and arms that don't hurt or flap in the breeze; but are strong enough to pull my screaming child out of the candy aisle in the grocery store.

I'd also like a waist, since I lost mine Somewhere in the seventh month of my last pregnancy.

If you're hauling big ticket items this year I'd like fingerprint resistant windows and a radio that only plays adult music; a television that doesn't broadcast any programs containing talking animals; and a refrigerator with a secret compartment behind the crisper where I can hide to talk on the phone.

On the practical side, I could use a talking doll that says, "Yes, Mommy" to boost my parental confidence, along with two kids who don't fight and three pairs of jeans that will zip all the way up without the use of power tools.

I could also use a recording of Tibetan monks chanting "Don't eat in the living room" and "Take your hands off your brother," because my voice seems to be just out of my children's hearing range and can only be heard by the dog. If it's too late to find any of these products, I'd settle for enough time to brush my teeth and comb my hair in the same morning, or the luxury of eating food warmer than room temperature without it being served in a Styrofoam container.

If you don't mind, I could also use a few Christmas miracles to brighten the holiday season. Would it be too much trouble to declare ketchup a vegetable? It will clear my conscience immensely. It would be helpful if you could coerce my children to help around the house without demanding payment as if they were the bosses of an organized crime family.

Well, Santa, the buzzer on the dryer is ringing and my son saw my feet under the laundry room door. I think he wants his crayon back.
Have a safe trip and remember to leave your wet boots by the door and come in and dry off so you don't catch cold.

Help yourself to cookies on the table but don't eat too many or leave crumbs on the carpet.

Yours Always, MOM...!

P.S. One more thing...you can cancel all my requests if you can keep my children young enough to believe in Santa.

Thanks to  Marie-Louise for this!

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Parent Job Description

POSITION: Mom, Mommy, Mama, Ma, Dad, Daddy, Dada, Pa

JOB DESCRIPTION:

• Long term, team players needed, for challenging permanent work in an, often chaotic environment.
• Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call.
• Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities! Travel expenses not reimbursed.
• Extensive courier duties also required.

RESPONSIBILITIES:

• The rest of your life.
• Must be willing to be hated , at least temporarily, until someone needs R20.
• Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly . Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 100 kph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf.
• Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers.
• Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects.
• Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks.
• Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next.
• Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices.
• Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst.
• Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product.
• Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.  

POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION:

None. Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you.

PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE:

None required unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.

WAGES AND COMPENSATION:

Get this! You pay them! Offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent. When you die, you give them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.

BENEFITS:

While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered; this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs for life if you play your cards right.

Thanks to Shahdia for this!

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• If it is on, I must turn it off.
• If it is off, I must turn it on.
• If it is folded, I must unfold it.
• If it is a liquid, it must be shaken, then spilled. If it a solid, it must be crumbled, chewed or smeared.
• If it is high, it must be reached.
• If it is shelved, it must be unshelved.
• If it is pointed, it must be run with at top speed.
• If it has leaves, they must be picked.
• If it is plugged, it must be unplugged.
• If it is not trash, it must be thrown away. If it is in the trash, it must be removed, inspected, and thrown on the floor.
• If it is closed, it must be opened. If it does not open, it must be screamed at. If it has drawers, they must be rifled.
• If it is a pencil, it must write on the refrigerator, monitor, or table.
• If it is full, it will be more interesting emptied. If it is empty, it will be more interesting full. If it is a pile of dirt, it must be laid upon.
• If it is stroller, it must under no circumstances be ridden in without protest. It must be pushed by me instead.
• If it has a flat surface, it must be banged upon.
• If Mommy's (or daddy's) hands are full, I must be carried.
• If Mommy (or daddy) is in a hurry and wants to carry me, I must walk alone.
• If it is paper, it must be torn.
• If it has buttons, they must be pressed.
• If the volume is low, it must go high. If it is toilet paper, it must be unrolled on the floor. If it is a drawer, it must be pulled upon.
• If it is a toothbrush, it must be inserted into my mouth. If it has a faucet, it must be turned on at full force.
• If it is a phone, I must talk to it.
• If it is a bug, it must be swallowed. If it doesn't stay on my spoon, it must be dropped on the floor. If it is not food, it must be tasted. If it is dry, it must be made wet with drool, milk, or toilet water.
• If it is a car seat, it must be protested  against w ith arched back.
• If it is Mommy, it must be hugged. I am toddler! 

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A typical man/woman conversation

Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.

And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: "Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?"

And then there is silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.

And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months.

And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward . . . I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?

And Roger is thinking: ... so that means it was ... let's see ... February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means ... lemme check the odometer ... Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.

And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed -- even before I sensed it -- that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.

And Roger is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a bleeping garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.

And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. Gosh, I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.

And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty. That's exactly what they're gonna say, the scumballs.

And Elaine is thinking: maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.

And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a blankity-blank warranty. I'll take their warranty and ....

"Roger," Elaine says aloud.

"What?" says Roger, startled.

"Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have ... Oh Gosh, I feel so ...."

(She breaks down, sobbing.)

"What?" says Roger.

"I'm such a fool," Elaine sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse."

"There's no horse?" says Roger.

"You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Elaine says.

"No!" says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.

"It's just that ... It's that I ... I need some time," Elaine says.

(There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.)

"Yes," he says.

(Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.)

"Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?" she says.

"What way?" says Roger.

"That way about time," says Elaine.

"Oh," says Roger. "Yes."

(Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)

"Thank you, Roger," she says.

"Thank you ," says Roger.

Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it. (This is also Roger's policy regarding world hunger.)

The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.

Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say: "Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?"

Thanks to Janine Tassi for this!

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The Mommy Test

I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that.
"Why?" my daughter asked.
"Because it's been on the ground, you don't know where it's been, it's dirty and probably has germs" I replied.

At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked,"Mommy, how do you know all this stuff? You are so smart."

I was thinking quickly. "All moms know this stuff. It's on the Mommy Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mommy."
We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information.

"OH...I get it!" she beamed, "So if you don't pass the test you have to be the daddy."
"Exactly" I replied back with a big smile on my face.

Thanks to Celeste Booysen for this! Original source unknown.

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Stress Relievers for Mommies

1. Pop some popcorn without putting on the lid.
2. Use your Mastercard to pay your Visa.
3. When someone says, "have a nice day," tell them you've made other plans.
4. Make a "thing to do" list of things you have already done.
5. Pay your electric bill in one cent pieces.
6. Drive to work in reverse.
7. Have your surname legally changed to "Your-Highness."
8. Pound your head repeatedly on a pile of lightly toasted Wonder bread.
9. Brush your teeth vigorously with cheese whiz.
10. Read the dictionary upside-down and look for secret messages.
11. Bill your doctor for the time you spent in his waiting room.
12. Stare at people through the tines of a fork and pretend they're in jail.
13. Start a nasty rumor and see if you recognize it when it comes back to you.
14. Put your toddler's clothes on backwards and send him off to preschool as if nothing is wrong.
15. Start a "Rodents of North America collection."
16. Take ten dollars out of the offering plate at church and put in a note saying "You owe me, Lord."
17. Paint a picture entitled "My Brain the Forest."
18. Tape pictures of your boss to watermelons and launch them from high places.
19. Put a bag on your head and mark it "Closed for Remodeling."
20. Write your next memo in Pig Latin.

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Family Definitions

diaper: a cut rate toga

triplets: twins with a spare!

age 4: a joyous age when a child can't go from the TV to the sofa, without getting on his tricycle

children: small people who are not permitted to act as their parents did when they were the same age

precocious: seeing through adults at an annoyingly early age

inquisitive child: a live whyer

problem child: a spoiled brat, always found in someone else's family

child psychology: the science of getting your child to eat his food by pretending it is mud!

adolescence: when a boy refuses to believe that one day he'll be as dumb as his dad

life: a span of time of which the first half is ruined by our parents, and the second half by our children

youth: that brief period, as distinguished from childhood or middleage, when the opposite sexes talk to each other at a party

teenager: an adolescent whose hang-ups do not include his clothes

sweater: a garment worn by a child when the mother feels chilly

teenagers: people who express a burning desire to be different, by dressing alike

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Letter to Santa from a Mum

Dear Santa,

I've been a good mum all year. I've fed, cleaned and cuddled my children on demand, visited the doctor's office more than my doctor, sold sixty-two cases of choc bars to raise money to plant a shade tree on the school playground. I was hoping you could spread my list out over several Christmases, since I had to write this letter with my son's
red crayon, on the back of a receipt in the laundry room between cycles, and who knows when I'll find anymore free time in the next 18 years.

Here are my Christmas wishes:

I'd like a pair of legs that don't ache (in any colour, except purple, which I already have) and arms that don't hurt or flap in the breeze; but are strong enough to pull my screaming child out of the lolly aisle in the grocery store.
I'd also like a waist, since I lost mine somewhere in the seventh month of my last pregnancy.
If you're hauling big ticket items this year I'd like fingerprint resistant windows, a radio that only plays adult music; a television that doesn't broadcast any programs containing talking animals; and a refrigerator with a secret compartment behind the crisper where I can hide to talk on the phone.
On the practical side, I could use a talking doll that says, "Yes, Mummy" to boost my parental confidence, along with two kids who don't fight and three pairs of jeans that will zip all the way up without the use of power tools.
I could also use a recording of Tibetan monks chanting "Don't eat in the living room" and "Take your hands off your brother," because my voice seems to be just out of my children's hearing range and can only be heard by the dog.
If it's too late to find any of these products, I'd settle for enough time to brush my teeth and comb my hair in the same morning, or the luxury of eating food warmer than room temperature without it being served in a Styrofoam container.
If you don't mind, I could also use a few Christmas miracles to brighten the holiday season. Would it be too much trouble to declare tomato sauce a vegetable? It will clear my conscience immensely. It would be helpful if you could coerce my children to help around the house without demanding payment as if they were the bosses of an organized crime family.

Well, Santa, the buzzer on the dryer is ringing and my son saw my feet under the laundry room door. I think he wants his crayon back. Have a safe trip and remember to leave your wet boots by the door and come in and dry off so you don't catch cold.
Help yourself to cookies on the table but don't eat too many or leave crumbs on the carpet.

Yours Always, MUM...!
P.S. One more thing...you can cancel all my requests if you can keep my children happy, healthy and always believing.

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Life in the Age of Email

Dear All,

My thanks to all those who have sent me emails over the years...

I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat poo in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing.

Also, I now have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown); who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program...

Or from the senior bank clerk in Nigeria who wants to split $7 million with me for pretending to be a long lost relative of a customer who died intestate.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

I no longer can buy gas without taking a man along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

And thanks to your great advice, I can't even pick up the $5.00 I found dropped in the car park because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00pm this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump.

I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbour's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician.

By the way....a South American scientist after a lengthy study has discovered that people with low IQ who have infrequent sexual activity always read their e-mails with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late

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Twas the Night Before Christmas... For Moms

'Twas was the night before Christmas, when all thru the abode,
only one creature was stirring, and she was cleaning the commode.
The children were finally sleeping, all snug in their beds,
while visions of Nintendo 64 and Barbie, flipped through their heads.

The dad was snoring in front of the TV,
with a half-constructed bicycle on his knee.
So only the mom heard the reindeer hooves clatter,
which made her sigh, "Now what's the matter?"

With toilet bowl brush still clutched in her hand,
she descended the stairs, and saw the old man.
He was covered with ashes and soot, which fell with a shrug.
"Oh great," muttered the mom, "Now I have to clean the rug."

"Ho-ho-ho!" cried Santa, "I'm glad you're awake."
"Your gift was especially difficult to make."
"Thanks, Santa, but all I want is some time alone."
"Exactly!" he chuckled, "I've made you a clone."

"A clone?" she asked, "What good is that?
Run along, Santa, I've no time for chit-chat."

The mother's twin. Same hair, same eyes, same double chin.
"She'll cook, she'll dust, she'll mop every mess.
You'll relax, take it easy, watch The Young & the Restless."
"Fantastic!" the mom cheered."My dream come true!
I'll shop. I'll read, I'll sleep a whole night through! "

From the room above, the youngest began to fret.
"Mommy?! I scared... and I 'm wet."

The clone replied, "I'm coming, sweetheart."
"Hey," the mom smiled, "She knows her part."
The clone changed the small one, and hummed a tune,
as she bundled the child, in a blanket cocoon.

"You the best mommy ever. " I really love you."
The clone smiled and sighed, "I love you, too."
The mom frowned and said, "Sorry, Santa, no deal. "
That's my child's love, she's trying to steal."

Smiling wisely Santa said, "To me it is clear, "
Only one loving mother, is needed here."

The mom kissed her child, and tucked her into bed.
"Thank you, Santa, " for clearing my head.
I sometimes forget, it won't be very long,
when they'll be too old, for my cradle-song."

The clock on the mantle began to chime.
Santa whispered to the clone, "It works every time."
With the clone by his side Santa said, "Goodnight.
Merry Christmas, Mom, You'll be all right.

Author unknown

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