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I had an entry on my forum a while ago from the mother of an eighteen month old, who is starting to feel broody for number two, and said “ it seems to me like all my friends are falling pregnant around me, and I have these thoughts of "I want one too!" Clearly she was having that moment of insanity that we all have every now and then – yes some of us (i.e. me) act on it and get on with the job… hence the big tummy, while others actually remember what it was like having a new baby in the house. For those of you who have forgotten, I thought perhaps a few tips on dealing with that sudden urge to once again procreate might be in ord er...
1. Borrow a friend's newborn for a weekend. Deal with being up all night, upchuck, baby pooh and your toddler all at the same time. Send hubby out so you remember what it's like being at home alone with all this to cope with… all day.
2. Strap a two kilo weight belt to your tummy. Add a few kilo's every other day until you are at least 15 kilos heavier (if you are feeling brave, keep going). Cope with the backache while picking up your heavy toddler.
3. Soak some cotton balls in water. Stuff them in your bra. Walk around with a soggy bra all day. Remember what leaky boobs feel like.
4. Put an entire packet of rollertowels in your underwear. Try and pretend that they aren't there. And try and pretend that you don't feel like the whole world knows that they are there. Remember what the first 6 weeks of bleeding after coming out of hospital felt like.
5. Switch the TV and radio off, unplug the phone. Stay like this for a week and don't leave the house. Remember what its like not to have a life.
6. Dig last night's PJ's out the wash box. Put them back on. Wear them for a week. Don't wash your hair. Remember what it's like not having time to shower. And answer the front door as you are.
7. Take your toddler shopping with her pram. Put a big pillow in the pram and cover with blankets. Try push the pram while at the same time holding onto your toddler's hand and selecting and storing groceries. Best practiced when toddler is tired. Remind yourself why having just one is far easier.
8. Go to your local shopping centre. Stand outside the lift entrance and wait for at least five lifts to go by before actually entering one. Remember what it's like when rude people don't notice or care that you have a pram and can't use the escalator.
9. Put a five kilogram watermelon in your toddler's old piccolo / car-chair. Hold toddler's hand in one hand and carry piccolo in the other and walk around the block. Practice daily. Remember what it's like to have bruises on your thighs and sore shoulders on a daily basis.
10. Stuff a pillowcase full of beanbags. Strap to your tummy and breast area. Repeat every night for at least four months. Remember what it's like not to be able to sleep on your tummy.
11. Set your alarm to wake you every hour through the night. When it goes off, get up and go to the toilet. It doesn't matter if there is nothing there. Just go through the motions of sitting on the cold seat regardless. Return to bed and warm your cold feet on your partner while trying to get the beanbag pillowcase in a comfortable position. Remember what it's like to have a baby pressing on your bladder.
12. After four months of the above, extend your alarm to wake you every ninety minutes to two hours. When it goes off, walk down the passage. Sit on the cold couch with a pillow in your lap for another thirty minutes, trying to stay awake. Carry said pillow around and walk up and down the passage for another twenty minutes. Return to bed. Repeat two hours later. Remember what it's like demand feeding a newborn (this happened for at least six months in my case!)
13. Take that two week old leftover out of your fridge. Eat it. Repeat daily. Remember what morning sickness feels like and never knowing when it's going to hit you.
14. Clear out your deepfreeze. Cram full of Tupperware. Go shopping and buy your regular groceries. Try and cram it in with the Tupperware. Remember what it's like to have your freezer full of puree.
15. Divide your grocery money in half. Use half for household necessities and flush the other half down the toilet (or donate to charity). Remember how much nappies and formula cost.
Just a couple of pointers – like I said some of us manage to filter all these thoughts out sufficiently to fall pregnant for a second, or even third time. And of course we wouldn't do it any different. And if you are one of those moms who had three dream pregnancies, no morning sickness, quick deliveries and a baby who slept through at six weeks – I don't want to hear it – personally I don't think you exist. Besides the above pointers are for the other two million moms out there who have real experiences! End of story. Anyway I need to pee… again… and does someone have a remedy for backache? Just another six weeks or so and then the real fun begins…© Sally Hetherington .
