Then

Now

Name

Sally “Size 10” Goddess, with the world at my feet

Sally “don't even want to know” Ms Saggy Boobs & Stretch Marks

Qualifications

1994 - 1997: BA in Eng & Psych (yes, fat lot of good this will do when up at three in the morning for the third time)

1999: Obtained undergraduate degree in Marriage 301, and received my honours after five years and am currently working towards my masters.

2003 - 2004: Nappy Changing 101 with honours, Breastfeeding 300 (merit list), Advanced diploma of sleeping with your eyes open, and Doctorate in Surviving Colic.

2004 – completed a short course titled “Toddler Proofing your home – “Why white couches are not a good idea”

2005 – Present: Currently completing degree in Toddler Taming with majors in temper tantrums and letting them know who's boss (although on the verge of flunking horribly…)

Previous Experience

Um, well, I have two dogs, both since puppyhood – heck if it wasn't for a riveting episode of Frasier I might have delivered the one myself… Does this count? (we won't mention that four years down the line they are still not completely house-trained and defy me at every opportunity, barking back continuously, stealing food and generally causing chaos…)

Okay where do we start.

I spent the first six months of baby's life walking the passages at all hours while she remained firmly attached to my breast – alternating with bouts of crying and screaming (me crying, baby screaming). The next six months were spent in a frenzy of sleep training (we won't mention here that I failed to complete the course), trying with every fibre of my being to get my child to close her eyes for more than an hour at a time… I was promoted in month thirteen to “Mother of an almost Toddler”, quickly mastering the art of doing five things with two hands and catching baby mid-flight as she toddled off the top step. I was very happy in this position, however management (i.e. baby) decreed that I was ready for Advanced Toddlerdom, and merrily stepped into the Terrible Twos, and with no training whatsoever I had to quickly learn the art of toddler manipulation, advanced tantrum termination and entertainment exams.

Future Prospects

Hmm, get a job? Make some cash… travel…? I know I know! Get my pilots licence before I have kids… (HAHA)

Get as much sleep as humanly possible in preparation for upcoming course: “Baby number 2: What were you thinking?” (course commences July 2006)

Hobbies

Reading , movies, going out with friends, dining out, cooking Jamie Oliver style meals for fabulous chardonnay swizzling married friends, basically having a life…

Hobbies? Who has time for hobbies? Unless you count washing bottles, changing nappies and pureeing butternut as a hobby, since it's what I seem to spend my days doing…

A brief self evaluation:

I am highly articulate, just too brilliant for words and I take everything thrown at me as a challenge. I work well under pressure and am able to manage my time efficiently. I would be an asset to any team measuring my success on my outstanding productivity.

I need sleep. Okay? Just leave me alone. Two minutes. That's all I ask. Can I not even go to the loo on my own? Please just let me wee in peace. I will help you with that puzzle in a minute. Go watch Barney in the meantime. Eat chocolates until you bounce off the walls. I don't care… JUST GIVE ME MY TWO MINUTES! Please.