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I recently received an email from another new mum who was complaining that her husband doesn't seem to be pulling his fair share, and she asked me to write something along these lines on do's and don'ts for the new dad as well… personally, I am extremely blessed to have a very hands-on hubby, who, when he is available, certainly gets stuck in to try and make my life easier. With this in mind I asked said reader to get cracking and send me her own list… so here is Debbie Oxche's list of do's and don'ts for the first time dad (and again I stress, at no way directed at you, Clayton!)
The first three months are the toughest and that's when us new mom need all the help we can get, specifically from our husbands, and maybe if they knew some of these things, it would be wonderful and a great help to mom! I know that I'm not the only one who goes through this - four of my closest friends also had babies around the same time as I did, and they're also having issues with their spouses (they've contributed to this as well). So here are some do's and don'ts for new dads (moms should actually show this to them) and if there's anything else that can be added by others, please feel free to send it to the editor!
First week – We know you are excited to show off the product of your virility – but please don't invite all the friends and family over the very first day that mommy and baby are home from the hospital… it is all very new and overwhelming so at least wait until we've settled in (particularly if mom has had a Caesar and is in significant pain). Try aim for the second week rather – unless of course we have invited someone ourselves – after all we are the ones who are recovering from the agony of childbirth so it's our prerogative (and remember, granny does not count as a visitor – she's there to help so don't complain if she's in your space!).
When mommy has to breastfeed (dripping away like a leaky tap – trust me that let down reflex can be like a red hot poker to the nipples!) and visitors arrive, don't simply make up a bottle and say “oh, let so and so feed him rather”… Remember – I AM THE COW… and if I HAVE TO FEED HIM, accept it! Bottles are great to give me a break from being the cow, but ask first (unless it's two in the morning and you can see I am fast asleep!). If you are passionate about giving your sister a turn to feed, ask me before she arrives to express, but don't be offended if I refuse – after all being milked by a machine is even worse than playing cow to baby!
When the mommy is busy with baby, don't undermine her by saying “did you do this, did you do that”. Being a mommy comes instinctively (well most of the time anyway!) and we do our best – if in doubt do it yourself and give mom a break! ( ed's note – if dad does offer to help, accept it graciously and let him do it his own way – we all have our methods so don't tell him how to do it, just be grateful for the help!)
Don't be so quick to pass baby back to mommy as soon as he/she starts wailing! Babies cry. Deal with it. When you've had your 30 minutes of ‘playing' each day, don't just say “baby wants mommy” and give baby to us when you've had enough (or when baby needs changing!)… if baby didn't actually say “I want mommy”, then it's not true… Mommy's been with baby the whole day, every single, day so the least daddy could do is keep baby for at least 2 hours so mommy can relax, brush hair, take pj's off, shower, put pj's back on, make supper, etc…
Don't say “okay Honey, you go to the shops and take a break” and then follow with “Don't forget your cell…” (and then phone to ask when we're coming back when we've practically just pulled out the driveway …). If you are going to give mom a break, give her a real one. Tell her to go out while you take 100% charge of baby. If you are really stuck, call granny!
Keep in mind that although mommy has to breastfeed for the first few weeks (if she is lucky enough!), once baby takes a bottle, there's no excuse why daddy can't contribute to early morning feeds (and remember the morning officially starts just after midnight – not at 6am – so pitch in even when the sun ain't shining!). Sometimes baby just wants a cuddle – daddies can cuddle too can't they - after all, didn't cuddling lead to baby?
At least TRY to understand that backache can be severe, lack of sleep (at least broken sleep) leads to sheer and utter exhaustion and we cannot ALWAYS nap when baby does. There are always things to do (especially if you have more than one child!) – so don't assume when you get home that we have spent the entire day with baby cuddled to our breast looking pretty on our beds… And if supper is not on the stove yet… offer to call for a pizza!
Mommy will be frustrated and cry a couple of times, and it's not because baby is a burden, or because our social life is a mess, or because we didn't get a chance to brush our hair this morning! It's because our bodies are so sore, and we can't even see straight anymore from lack of sleep, and we're frustrated with trying to explain why we're tired or why we're sore when we've supposedly been resting all day (haha!), or why we're crying, every single day for three months and the daddy STILL doesn't get it… Don't always try to fix the problem, just give us a big hug, tell us we're doing an awesome job, and take baby for a few hours while we relax in the bath or catch up on our favourite soap… (and cooking supper while you hold baby is not considered “time out”!)
If we don't “do mornings” (no smiley faces & chirpiness) for a while, then daddies should PLEASE understand why… imagine if they did what mothers do, day in, day out, they'd pull their hair out or go grey overnight!
Hubby says "if you have a moment can you put in lunch for me / do this / do that"... We say "If I have a moment? Let me tell you what "if I have a moment" means to me... IF I HAVE A MOMENT - I'll go to the loo... IF I HAVE A MOMENT - I'll brush my teeth and wash my face... IF I HAVE A MOMENT - I'll attempt to get dressed... IF I HAVE A MOMENT - I'll have a quick bite..." Don't ever ask us again IF WE HAVE A MOMENT...
Finally, remember that for every three good days there must be at least one bad day. It can't all be peaches and cream. Enjoy coming home to a good day, but bear with mom after a bad day!
Thanks Debbie – and as a second time mom, the best advice I can give to new moms, is that it does get easier, and before you know it your little one will be off to school and you will wonder where the time went – encourage dad to be involved because you will never get those precious moments back again!
© Sally Hetherington .
