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NEWSLETTER
- MARCH 2006
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CLICK HERE TO VIEW THE NEWSLETTER ARCHIVES
CONTENTS
Ed's Note
Because I said so… your monthly column from the editor
Featured Article 1: Sexuality in Toddlers, by Helen Gosnell of The Parent Centre
Quick Coffee Break: The birds and the bees...
Link up!
Giveaways! See what's on offer this month
March Events: See what's happening this month!
Noticeboard: Useful stuff!
In Closing...
Ed's Note
Quite frankly I am amazed that I actually got to write this month's issue, what with all the power failures! When I bought this laptop I especially chose one with an extra wide monitor for design work, and decided that the extended battery power was not an issue since I rarely travel with it. And now I am regretting that decision since my battery only lasts an hour tops when the power goes off, which at the moment is every day, sometimes twice a day! I am sure the rest of you, particularly in Cape Town, are as fed up as I am, particularly when the jolly garage door gets stuck, and being 20 weeks pregnant trying to open it myself is not really an option! Anyway lets hope that Eskom and the City of Cape Town ("working for you!" MY FOOT!) gets their act together soon so that we can go back to civilisation once more (do they have ANY idea how tempting candles are to two year olds?)
This month we bring you something different - an article on toddler sexuality. I guess it's hard to put the words toddler and sexuality in the same sentence, but rather be informed on what goes through their little heads than get freaked out when you catch them doing something... well... should I say unexpected! Thank goodness I have yet to deal with these issues, but at least when the time comes I will be informed! I sincerely hope that nobody is offended by the content of the article, but hey, it's all natural and where they came from in the first place (and I hope none of your email hosts blocked it out!). Otherwise pregnancy number two is going well, finally starting to feel movement which makes it a lot more real (and the fact that I can't fit into my old clothes anymore and with the sudden change in weather I am finding myself stuck for something decent to wear!). I wanted to take Megan with to see my last scan the other day, and my mom was going to come with in case Megan got possessive of the doctor checking me out. But poor Granny was horribly sick with the flu so my dear father merrily volunteered - after all they didn't have scans in the days that my mom was pregnant with us! So shame after taking a whole afternoon off work the three and a half of us set off to the gynae's office, and AS we sat down in the waiting room the power went out! Just our luck! Try explain to a two year old why the TV is broken and you can't see your baby sister after all, even though you were woken up to see her! Such is life in South Africa! Oh one last thing - I must proudly say that my newsletter and website is going from strength to strength and my subscriber database continues to grown, so PLEASE readers I urge to you to let me know what you want out of MTW - any suggestions, tips or comments would be much appreciated - after all its for mums, by mums! And don't forget to post any questions or things that you would like to share on the forum at www.mumstheword.co.za - and let's keep the database growing so don't forget to send your copy of MTW on!
I was lying in bed the other morning wondering what I am going to write my column about this month, humming and hahing with my porridge brain trying to find something vaguely amusing. And then last night my dear daughter solved my dilemma… But let me start at the beginning, just under a week ago…
Now first I must explain that Megan has always been very good with drawing implements. Give her a pen and a magazine and she is as happy as pie. Even better, give her a piece of paper with my handwriting on and she will spend hours trying to doodle over what I have written – trying to be big like Mommy I guess! So I have never had the problem of scribblings on the wall or tables like a lot of my friends have, and have been quite happy to leave her alone with her crayons while she colours in at her table. That is, until last week. She has this lovely dry wipe book that I bought for her some time ago, and she loves drawing over the pictures and then wiping the koki clean with a wetwipe. So last week I gave her said book and a box of wetwipes and after I saw that she was sitting quietly minding her own business, I thought great, time to catch up on emails while she is occupied. So I was busy typing away when she came into the study and held out her hands saying, “Mommy, hands dirty!” “Oh dear,” I replied, not too concerned as the koki tends to smudge over her hands as she draws, so I told her we could go wash them, and got up to help her, end of story. And then I went into the bedroom. And saw. The carpet. The table. The white cupboard door. And even the yet-to-be-born baby's pink outfit hanging from the cupboard door. There was black koki everywhere. Of course Megan got yelled at from a dizzy height, and when the little face dissolved into a crumpled mass of trauma, I actually wanted to laugh at the drama! Thank goodness the pen she had used was a dry wipe and I managed to get most of it off, except for the carpet – Granny to the rescue! My amazing mom arrived ten minutes later with a bucket of all sorts of magic cleaners, and got most of the mark of the carpet. Problem solved, koki removed and packed away, all's well that ends well.
So, you would think I had learnt my lesson. Guess again. Now as you have probably realised, I am maybe sometimes a little too relaxed about leaving Megan to get on with her own thing – my philosophy is anything for some peace and quiet, as long as she's not in immediate danger. So last night when she asked to listen to her Barney songs on my six month old laptop (yes, start getting worried now) I happily obliged, thinking great, I can quickly get supper started while she is occupied. Well things were nice and quiet, and so I had time to pack the dishwasher. It was when I was going to Megan's room to collect the bottles for washing that I heard a suspicious squeaky sound, and wondered what on earth she was up to. So I detoured to the study… and saw her with not one, but two black koki's in her hands, one dry wipe, one permanent, merrily scribbling on my (uninsured) laptop's monitor (having done a good enough job on the keys, the keyboard surrounds and desk (she even got it on the little Vodafone 3G gadget that plugs into the side). Well if you have ever heard a two year old having a tantrum, it is nothing compared to the wobbly I chucked. I raced around the house searching for wet wipes (which had vanished under the bed), only to discover that while wetwipes do a remarkable job on dry wipe koki's, they do NOTHING for permanent markers! I eventually crumpled in a heap balling my eyes out thinking this is it, no more laptop, no more extra income, (I rely heavily on my laptop for my web design work) no more brain activity while Megan is at school! I eventually phoned my hubby and he suggested I try meths, which thank goodness worked on most of the mess. The monitor is fine (except for a small scratch) and there are just a couple of lines left on the Vodafone gadget and in the right light you can see koki all over the black keys. In hindsight I wish I had taken a picture so you could see exactly how bad it really was, but grabbing my camera was the last thing on my mind!
During all of this my dear daughter was following me around (having recovered from her mom's-mad-at-me snot-en-trane) saying “What you doing, Mommy? Mommy sad!”. “Yes, Megan, Mommy is very very sad. Why is Mommy sad? Because you drew on Mommy's ‘puta' with a pen that won't come off!” Eventually hubby arrived home armed with a bottle of pure alcohol from his IT department – I asked him if it was for me or the computer (but he assured me that one sip of it would have me out like that, for good, so I reckoned it was for the computer).
Anyway all's well that ends well, again, and someday I might laugh about it (like when my computer is more than 6 months old!). We are now investigating insuring it against little people, although I am not sure they will cover acts of Megan. All koki's, pens, scissors, lipsticks and anything vaguely tempting to a toddler (i.e. everything) has been moved much higher, although she will probably eventually figure a way to get to the furthest reaches of the house. But for now, sanity is restored, and lucky for you your copy of Mum's the Word will, for now, keep coming!
Featured Article: Sexuality in Toddlers
Notes taken from lecture at The Parent Centre by Helen Gosnell
Natural progression of sexual curiosity:
This is more or less what children want to know at various stages:
2 to 3 years old – they know sexual identity ie boy or a girl. By 3, they become aware of the differences between sexes. They use this year to explore their bodies, what are the different parts, what are they used for, how do boys and girls differ. The concept of privacy begins to form.
Between 3 and 5, your child becomes romantically attached to the parent of the opposite sex and may be heard saying they want to marry that parent. They may also become competitive with the parent of their sex.
5 to 6 years old – Imitations of adult relationships and sex play. They learn your ability to cope with sexuality and will keep secrets from you if they feel you can't cope. This is a crucial time for plenty of open sex talk. Don't punish your child for playing sex games.
7 to 9 years old – All girls should be prepared for the onset of menstruation; boys should be knowledgeable as well. Children need to know about the changes to their bodies and that each of us is on a different schedule. Same sex play is common at this age and does not mean homosexuality.
10 to 12 years old – half of today's children reach puberty before the age of 13. It is a long process which involves physical and emotional changes. Talk is crucial during this phase. Children need specific information about wet dreams, kissing, peer pressure etc.
13 years and older – many teenagers begin masturbating in earnest. Fantasies rage and lead to guilt and fears– especially of normality. Obsessive concerns about bodies are common. Boys worry about penis size and constant erections. Relationships are being formed and peer pressure is very strong.
Tips for talking about sexuality with your toddler:
1. Think about your values.
2. Begin early:
3. Talking is on-going:
4. Look for teachable moments:
5. Praise the question and the questioner:
6. Try not to put off the questioner:
7. Don't laugh or make a joke:
8. Give age-appropriate information: Always try to match your answer to the age of the child. Using the example of “Where did I come from?”
· A 3 year old needs to know that babies grow inside their mommy's tummy until they are big enough to be born.
· A 4-6 year old needs to know about a seed from daddy joining with an egg from mommy to make you.
· A 6-8 year old can hear about sperm inside the scrotum mixing with semen which carries the sperm to mommy's egg. They find each other by daddy's penis carrying the semen to mommy's womb and one of the sperm joining up with an egg to start a new baby.
· Only by about 8 years old are they ready to hear the whole story including the mechanics of sex.
However, children are all different and take this example as a rough guide only.
9. Don't overestimate children's knowledge:
10. Tell the truth:
11. Always use the correct names:
12. Add your values:
13. Actions speak louder than words:
Genital Stimulation:
- Exploration: Children discover their genital area soon after potty training. For so long it has been a covered up area and now it is free to explore. They also discover that there is some pleasure in the stimulation.
- Absolutely no physical harm can be done by this , despite the tales about blindness and the like
- Don't overreact: The most important thing to remember, as hard as it often is, is not to over react. The child is doing a perfectly normal, human activity that is done at some time or another by everyone. Because we feel it is not appropriate to see this behaviour, we often feel embarrassed and pass on these feelings to our children.
- Acknowledge: it is best to acknowledge what the child is doing. “You are exploring, I know it feels nice”
- Stress gently it is a private, not public activity: explain that this is something best done alone in one's room, while making it perfectly ok to do.
- No guilt or shame in words or actions: Sometimes we use the right words, but can also show in our actions that they child is being inappropriate. If a child is playing with their genital area in public, we need to gently remind them to continue in private or only to do that in private, without swatting their hands away and falling victim to our own embarrassment.
- Don't ignore: Also remember that you should not ignore this behaviour as the child does need to learn it is appropriate in private and not in public places
- One can ignore when children are tired / at sleep time
- There may be cause for concern with frequent stimulation (frequent is a relative term and you will know your child well enough to know what this is). There are two reasons for frequent stimulation (three if it is one of the signs of a child having been abused): 1/ Boredom – children who spend a lot of time in front of the television have nothing else to do with their hands. 2/ Anxiety – if a child is anxious about something in their life, he or she may resort to stimulation frequently. Trying to understand what the problem is and dealing with that problem is the best way of handling this, rather than going directly to the behaviour that has resulted.
- Discuss attitudes and approach with children's caregivers.
Playing doctor:
- Exploration: Children, having explored their own bodies, are excited to understand the similarities and differences between themselves and other children
- Girls exploring girls bodies and boys exploring boys bodies is perfectly normal and shows absolutely no indication of future sexual orientation
- Again, do not overreact and do not ignore
- Again, acknowledge what they are doing and the interest
- Be very careful not to make the children feel guilty or shameful
- Answer any questions that they might have and even invite questions
- Gently redirect their attention away from one another, get them dressed. It may be appropriate to redirect attention to a book explaining what they are interested in. Depending on who the other child is, this may also not be appropriate. In this case, redirect attention and later on explain via books and conversation to your child.
- Remember, that children are in this exploratory phase for a brief period. They will soon lose interest and move on (only to return at puberty). However, how you handle this can leave emotional scars for years. Be gentle and understanding.
For more information about The Parent Centre see www.theparentcentre.org.za.
Quick Coffee Break: The Birds and The Bees...
A fellow reader sent this to me and I had to share it with all of you (thanks Ursula!):
A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?" The father answers: "Well son, I guess one day you will find out anyway!
Your Mom and I first digitally linked in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We interfaced
in a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.
Just as I was ready to do the data transfer, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button; nine months later a little icon appeared that said:
You got Male.
For more quick funnies, prose and pictures, see the Coffee Break on www.mumstheword.co.za - and keep them coming to sally@mumstheword.co.za!
Link up! www.kidsemporium.co.za
Now I must confess I am a bit biased in this month's recommended link! I have recently been awarded the contract to maintain and update the Kids Emporium website, but in doing so I have realised just how much their stores have to offer! They now have two branches - one in Killarney Gardens and one in Westlake, pretty much covering the entire peninsula, and I bet it's only time before then find themselves a spot in my little part of town! They have many many designers holding stock in their stores, selling everything from children's toiletries to clothes, bedding, furniture and books, as well as beautiful maternity wear - you really need to check out their website to get the full scope. They are also running a great giveaway in March, as well as a cover baby competition which will be up soon! P.S.: Don't forget to add your views on anything and everything to the forum on www.mumstheword.co.za!
Back to contents
WINWINWIN! This Month's Giveaway!
Win a fantastic age appropriate toy for your child from SMILE! Their products are educational and most importantly durable, with a wide range to choose from. SMILE are also looking for consultants in all areas to sell their superb range of educational toys - so why not supplement your income while you remain at home with your children? Free training on child development and business management skills is provided. For more information on SMILE or to order contact Heidi on (021) 683-9216 or 082 708-4001. To win a product from SMILE send an email with "SMILE Giveaway" in the subject line to sally@mumstheword.co.za . Closing date 20 March 2006.
March Events:
Keep up to date with what's happening in March - send your submissions to sally@mumstheword.co.za!
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Kids Emporium Summer Sale now on until Monday 13 March - see www.kidsemporium.co.za. |
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Every Saturday Kids Yoga at Kids Emporium, Westlake, R220 per month, booking essential. For more info contact Lara on 082-655-9403 or see www.kidsemporium.co.za. |
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Thursday 9 March - talk on childproofing your home and CPR at The Parent Centre Moms & Babies Group, Kingsbury Hospital, Claremont, from 10:00 - 12:00. For more info contact Margaret on 762-0116. |
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Tuesday 14 and Thursday 16 March - Off the Rails Winter Fashion Presentation in Constantia, R130. For more info call Vanessa on 082-579-0379. Bookings by 8 March. |
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Wednesday 15 March - MeMe workshop on Me, Myself and I - Self Improvement at 7pm at The Workshop Room at Kids Emporium, Westlake, R150. For more info see www.kidsemporium.co.za or contact lauren@kidsemporium.co.za . Booking essential. |
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Thursday 16 March - talk on motherhood and relationships at The Parent Centre Moms & Babies Group, Kingsbury Hospital, Claremont, from 10:00 - 12:00. For more info contact Margaret on 762-0116. |
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Wednesday 22 March - talk on Motherhood and Me by Lindy Bruce at The Parent Centre, Rosebank, from 9:30 to 11:30, R30. For more info contact Penny on 701-0241 or 082 396-7090. |
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Saturday 25 March - Micklefield Flea Market, Sandown Road, Rondebosch (my old school!). For more info contact 685-6494. |
Noticeboard: This is your space! Submit your comments, ideas or suggestions on anything you have seen or want to see in Mum's the Word. This is also a space to advertise child related products or services, be they your own or something interesting that you have seen or heard about. Email me your contributions and if I deem them suitable I will happily put them up!
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We have a winner! Congrats to the Liezel Patterson who won the R120 SIGNsational Kids voucher! |
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Next issue: We will be talking a bit about water births - an interesting choice that is gaining in popularity! Post any questions or issues that you feel need to be discussed on the message board at www.mumstheword.co.za - whatever grabs you! Your comments on MTW would also be hugely appreciated! |
In Closing…
Well yet another month has come and gone, the year flashes by! But at last I can say "Going on holiday next month! Yay!" Can't wait! But of course have to get through my husband's year end in between, never a fun time and I can expect many late nights and doing toddler duty on my own! Wish me (and him!) luck to get through the next month before WE GO ON HOLIDAY! YAY! But don't worry, your copy of MTW will still keep coming!
Until next time…
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