NEWSLETTER - NOVEMBER 2006

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CONTENTS
Ed's Note
Special Announcement! MTW webcards now available!
Because I said so… your monthly column from the editor
Featured Article 1: Temper Tantrums, by Adéle Möller-Grosse of In Touch Parenting
Quick Coffee Break: A husband's worst nightmare
Link up: Pacifeeder
MTW Recommends: Mothercare Bouncy Chair
Giveaways Galore! See what's on offer this month
Noticeboard: Your space
In Closing...

Ed's Note

Once again I am truely amazed that I have found time to sit down and write this! But if I didn't find the time I think I would go insane with all the feeding, bottle washing, sterilising, changing, bathing, refereeing that I do! I think it is so important for mums, particularly those who are at home with baby, to take time out for themselves - be it for a hobby, to read, study, or even just a long bath, whatever! I started this newsletter when Megan was a year, not to make money or anything (I still don't!!) but purely because I missed writing and wanted to share my experiences with other mums - something I really needed when I first had Megan! So 18 months down the line and I am still at it, and love every minute of it! What really keeps me going is all the positive feedback that I get from my readers - you guys are great... aww pass the tissues, having a moment here! :-) So here is November's issue - with a word on those dreaded tantrums which I am sorry to say only seem to get worse with age - and throw a new baby into the mix... fun!   Anyway please keep those comments coming - you know where I am!

Special Announcement: MTW webcards now available!

A more affordable option than hosting your own website, MTW offers you a one page web-card, where you can display your product or service through our website, hosting on our server. We will design this page to your specification at no extra cost, and can include up to ten product pictures, a company and product / service description, as well as contact details and links. Your web-card also includes up to six free updates or changes (e.g. addition of new product pictures, change of contact details, etc.) for the duration of your contract. Our design department will design this page for you free of charge. You will also receive a free listing with a link to this page on our directory page. Should you wish to register your own domain name you can have this pointed to your web-card. A great advertising space for the small or home industry! If you would like more info please email sally@mumstheword.co.za!

Because I said so…

Aah the good old toddler tantrum. I remember writing on this topic in October last year when Megan was about to turn two. Of course then I fully expected her to have regular tantrums, heading into the terrible two's and all, and of course I also (stupidly) expected them to disappear by age three… hahaha. No such luck. They only increased in intensity and volume as she got more strong-willed with age! So a year has come and gone… and nothing has changed! I remember one of my friends joking about the Terrible Two's, the Tortuous Threes and the “very naughty word” Fours (use your imagination here – this is a PG rated newsletter!). All I can say is please tell me it gets better at five – only two years to go… by which stage Caitlin will be starting the age two tantrums. Does it ever end.

One thing I have discovered is that Megan is not ready to give up her midday nap… as much as she would like to think otherwise. She fights me on this issue every single day – “no Mommy I'm not tired, I didn't yawn yet” and then of course she plays majorly for time… “another story, now I need my sippy cup, no it's too dark – open the door, I want that teddy too, I need a jersey, I'm too hot, I'm too cold, I want to say my prayers again, no you didn't close your eyes properly”, etc. etc. etc. I think sometimes I am too patient with her and give her what she wants – anything for the sake of peace when you have a three month old asleep in the next room! I know I need to be firm – one story, one prayer, goodnight, no more! Easier said than done – but otherwise she is going to push and push and push, as toddlers tend to do!

On Saturday Megan was invited to a birthday party, and stupidly we decided to do our grocery shopping on the same day… at the end of the month… at lunchtime. Well actually we didn't plan on going at lunchtime, but by the time we had baby fed, burped and changed it was getting later and later, and I seriously needed groceries and hubby actually agreed to go with (lots of persuasion on my part!) so off we went. Of course the store was packed to the brim and it was past two by the time we got home – which gave me just enough time to have a very quick bite before heading off with both girls to the party at three… minus Megan's midday nap. Stupid stupid stupid (picture me smacking myself on the head here…).

I guess you are imagining all sorts of party calamities happening here… but surprisingly she was as good as gold at the party (she always is in front of other people)… but coming home past five was another story altogether. The wheels came off in a big way then! She was of course tired and hungry, but completely one hundred percent helpless and uncooperative – not a good combination at the best of times, but throw in one sleep deprived mommy and one needy baby and you have a recipe for an evening of great family entertainment! I think I should write my own sitcom – or would that be a reality series rather… “Coming to your screen this summer… a tired mommy takes on her family, toddler tries to dominate the world, and one screaming baby. The Mommy Wars … starts November 10 th , only on Channel Reality, where real people live!”

But I digress… back to Saturday evening… now one thing I don't get in Toddlerdom, is that usually, she wants to do everything , and I mean everything herself. Put her clothes on, do up her buttons, feed herself, put her shoes on, pack her bag, do up her zip, climb in the bath, you name it, her favourite refrain being “No I do it” in a whiny voice. And you dare not do it for her, because then she purposefully undoes whatever you have done, just so that she can do it herself. But when she's tired, she suddenly loses all capacity for self capability… even the ability to tell me what she wants is suddenly erased from her little being. She suddenly starts crashing her tricycle into things (on purpose and then crying “I want to ride over there” – sure Meg, just let Mommy move the wall for you quick) or she drops her Mr Puppy and can't reach to pick him when he's on the floor at her feet. I suddenly find myself saying things my mom said to me many times over, such as “did your arms drop off in the night?” or “if you want it, fetch it yourself!” – things I swore I would never ever say to my children!

So of course Saturday night was a war of wills – I just wanted to get her fed and bathed so that she could get to bed, and there she was a puddle of apathy, crying and moaning, but never once actually telling me what she wanted. A most frustrating time for any parent, when your child clearly has a need but is completely incapable of or unwilling to tell you what that need is! Well eventually after a supper consisting of two peas and a carrot I unceremoniously dumped Megan on her bed, clothes and all, covered her up to the soundtrack of “I want my jaaaaaaarmis, I want my jaaaaaaarmisssssss sob sob sob”, so covers back, pj's out, pj's on, blankets over, tuck rin, off to sleep… “Say prayers, say praaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayers”, okay all four prayers at record speed, Amen, Goodnight Meggie. “Bottle bottle bottaaaaaaaal” Sorry Megan, remember Father Christmas took your bottles (he made an early stop to our house) “I want my daaaaaaddeeeeeeeeee”… does it ever end. Anyway by the time hubby came to the room she was already passed out, and of course we headed to the kitchen to open that much needed bottle of wine with a sigh of relief… (should I feel guilty for feeling relieved that my daughter is asleep?) and the promise that she would never ever skip her midday nap again…

Until Sunday that is… do we never learn?

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Featured Article: Temper Tantrums
By Adéle Möller-Grosse of In Touch Parenting, www.intouchparenting.co.za

Tantrums are how small children deal with frustration and disappointment.

Children don't tantrum just to annoy you.

Tantrums are more likely if your child is stressed or tired.

Reducing events that trigger tantrums can help prevent them.

Having a plan for what to do when your child tantrums will make it easier for you to stay calm.

Tantrums are what you do when you don't have more grown-up ways of dealing with frustration and disappointment .

Coming in all shapes and sizes, temper tantrums can involve spectacular explosions of anger and frustration and disorganized behavior (when your child ‘loses it'). You might see crying, screaming, stiffening limbs, arching backs, kicking, falling down, flailing about or running away. In some cases, children hold their breath, vomit, break things or get aggressive as part of a tantrum.

Some children throw more tantrums than others. A child's temperament can influence how emotional a child becomes when they are frustrated. All children are more likely to tantrum when they are feeling stressed , hungry, tired or over stimulated. Like adults, children are more likely to tantrum when they find themselves in a situation they just can't cope with (for example, an older child takes a toy away from them).

If your child throws tantrums, you are not alone. Researchers in the United States asked over 1200 parents about their children's tantrums, and this is what they found: 

From Potegal & Davidson (2003)

Tantrums are extremely common among children aged 18-36 months, but usually tail off by the time a child turns four.

How often does most kids tantrum? And how long do tantrums generally last? The parents in this study reported that, on average, tantrums lasted for:

Two minutes in one year-olds

Four minutes in two to three year-olds

Five minutes in four year-olds

And occurred:

Eight times a week for one year-olds

Nine times a week for two year-olds

Six times a week for three year-olds

Five times a week for four year-olds.

Tantrums decline as children develop more effective ways of handling bad feelings and communicating their wants and needs using words . However tantrums can continue – even into adulthood – if they become a reliable way for your child to get what he wants. There is a lot you can do to make it less likely that tantrums will continue into the school-age years. The most important of these is to make sure you don't accidentally reward tantrums.

The low-key approach to dealing with tantrums

This approach is suitable for very young children (one to two year-olds), or for children whose tantrums do not occur very frequently or very severely.

Prevent tantrums by reducing stress . Tired, hungry and over stimulated children are more likely to throw tantrums.

Be aware of how your child is feeling . If you can see a tantrum brewing, step in and try distracting your child with another activity.

Identify tantrum triggers . If certain situations – shopping, visiting or mealtimes – frequently involve temper tantrums, think of ways to make these events easier on your child. For example, you could time the situations so your child is not tired, eats beforehand, or is not required to behave for too long.

When a tantrum occurs, stay calm (or pretend to!) . If you get angry, it will inflame the situation and make it harder for both of you. If you need to speak at all, keep your voice calm and level, and act deliberately and slowly.

Wait out the tantrum – ignore the behavior until it stops. Once a temper tantrum is in full swing it's too late for reasoning or distraction. Your child won't be in the mood to listen, and you run the risk of teaching your child that tantrums get your full involvement and attention. 

Make sure that there is no pay-off for the tantrum . If the tantrum occurs because your child does not want to do something (such as get out of the bath), gently insist that he does (pick him up out of the bath). If the tantrum occurs because your child wants something, do not give him what he wants.

Be consistent and calm in your approach . If you sometimes give your child what he wants when he tantrums and sometimes don't, you risk the problem becoming worse.

Reward good behavior . Enthusiastically praise your child when he manages frustration well.

Dealing with persistent or severe tantrums

You can use this approach if your child is older than two and:

Tantrums are severe and very disruptive to family life

Tantrums are causing you and your child significant distress

You find it difficult to ignore tantrums

You worry that you might become angry and hurt your child when he tantrums.

The steps in the following approach have been tested and found to be useful over many years of scientific research into helping parents manage difficult child behavior.

1. Keep a diary of your child's tantrums for 7-10 days. Draw up a chart with four columns. Record the day of the tantrum, where it happened, what happened just before it, and what happened right afterwards.

2. Identify the situations that make tantrums more likely to occur (for example, tiredness, going shopping, mealtimes). Plan ways of avoiding those situations or making them less stressful for your child.

3. Identify the triggers for your child's tantrums . Common triggers include being told ‘no' or being asked to do something. Look for ways of reducing or avoiding tantrum triggers. The table below has some ideas.

4. Identify the consequences of the tantrum . Can you see ways that the behavior is being accidentally rewarded by your actions or the actions of others?

5. Establish a reward system to give your child extra encouragement for staying calm .

6. Help your older child learn and practice coping skills in situations where he'd normally have a tantrum. For example, ‘Michael, in five minutes time I am going to ask you to turn off the Xbox. This is a chance for you to show me how calm and grown-up you can be. How are you going to handle it?' Or, ‘Sonia, take a deep breath and stay calm. I want you to stay calm after you have my answer. Can you do that?'

Here are two possible options when your child throws a tantrum:

Ignore the tantrum : turn away from your child, do not look at or speak to your child while they tantrum. It might help to walk away from your child.

Use time-out : this is an effective strategy if the tantrums are particularly bad or you find it impossible to ignore tantrums.

For more information on the In Touch workshops, see www.intouchparenting.co.za. See also the giveaway below!

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Quick Coffee Break: A husband's worst nightmare

A man came home from work and found his three children outside, still in their pyjamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrapers strewn all around the front yard. The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house and there was no sign of the dog. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door. He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over the toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she may be ill, or that something serious had happened. He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door. As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap, and more toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls.
As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pyjamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?"
She again smiled and answered: "You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world did I do today?" "Yes," was his incredulous reply. She answered: "Well today I didn't do it."

Thanks to Roxanne for this!

For more quick funnies, prose and pictures, see the Coffee Break on www.mumstheword.co.za - and keep them coming to sally@mumstheword.co.za!

Link up - www.pacifeeder.co.za

What a brilliant invention - a hands-free bottle - great for travelling and a must have for mums with multiples!   We don't always have our hands free when baby demands a feed, and a baby crying from hunger is a traumatic experience for both mum and baby, and this can be avoided with Pacifeeder.  It can be attached to a pram, car seat or trolley with its velcro strap, and the SmartFlow™ system adjusts flow based on baby's needs and prevents  the teat from leaking , while the  teat stays full of liquid until the bottle is empty to reduce ingestion of air (reducing colic).   I was sent a Pacifeeder to try out - and my toddler loved the novelty factor. I will definitely try it on Caty when she is a bit bigger. Here's what other mums had to say: 

It's a fantastic product and every parent should have one! My granddaughter is 14 months old and I take care of her during the day. I often drive with her in the car and I simply attach the Pacifeeder to her car seat and she's set for the journey. There were too many times before we had Pacifeeder, that Emma dropped the bottle and I'd have to stop the car to give it back to her. Truth be told, I have even attached the Pacifeeder to the trolley while doing groceries with Emma. I highly recommend this product; it's been very useful to us. - Mary, Granny to Emma, 14 months

I am very pleased with my bottle. My son used it from when he was about 8 months old (unfortunately I didn't know about it before then) to date . I have been very impressed with Pacifeeder as this bottle does what it says it can, and it is very simple and convenient to use. I just fill it with juice (I also used it for breast milk), and attach it to his pram and off we go on a walk. - Joey, mum to Luke, 12 months

I first saw Pacifeeder  in a shopping mall where a mom of twins used it. I couldn't stop staring as she could go on with her shopping and feed the  two babies without any fuss. I bought one for my sister who had her baby in August. Her little boy is very small and suffers from tummy pain and winds and at only 2 weeks old, he took to the Pacifeeder with no fuss, sucking as if his life depended on it. And the winds come up so easily now as he is not taking in air! I have bought one for myself as I am also pregnant now. - Salomien, aunt to a 6 week old.

P.S.: Don't forget to add your views on anything and everything to the forum on www.mumstheword.co.za!

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MTW Recommends: Mothercare Bouncy Chair

Okay I know that you don't get Mothercare in the SA, but if you know of anyone who lives there or is going there, get them to send you one of these!  They pack really small in pieces so can easily fit into the bottom of a suitcase, and they are very lightweight. I was lucky enough to have a friend in  London who's mom from SA was visiting, so she sent one down for me, and I cannot live without it. Caty (on the left!) goes in it every day -  completely secure and I can put her playgym over it. The great thing about it is that she is half lying down so it does not put any stress on muscles  that aren't ready to work yet, but she is still upright enough to see what's going on. Her own body weight and movement also keep her bouncing. I  have even caught Megan in it - all three years and fifteen kilo's of her - bouncing up and down thinking this is the best ride ever. So five stars for   durability - it didn't bend at all and carried her weight, although once baby is sitting you won't need it anymore! I use my bouncy chair a lot

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WINWINWIN! This Month's Amazing Giveaways!

In Touch Voucher

 in partnership with brings you another one of their fabulous workshops, in Cape Town on the 25th of November and Gauteng on the 18th. Speakers include the Revd Margaret Fourie, who will be speaking on Positive Parenting; the well known Sister Lilian, who will be discussing pregnancy  and your baby & toddlers' sleep, routines, mealtimes and behaviour; and In Touch founder Adéle Möller-Grosse on how parenthood impacts mom and dad's relationship. For more information or to register  go to www.intouchparenting.co.za or phone In Touch on 021-4473637.  WIN an  In Touch Parenting  hamper which will allow one couple to attend 2 x In Touch workshops valued @  R 450 !!! To enter send an email with “In Touch” in the subject line to sally@mumstheword.co.za  before 10 November 2006.

Pacifeeder Bottle

The perfect bottle for mums on the go, and essential for those with multiples! Easy to assemble, easy to clean - why didn't they think of this earlier? Can be  attached to prams, trolleys, carchairs, etc. for feeding on the go.  Pacifeeder are giving away one bottle to a lucky reader. To enter send your details to sally@mumstheword.co.za  with "Pacifeeder" in the subject line before  30 November 2006 (please don't reply directly to this newsletter).  For more information see www.pacifeeder.co.za.

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Noticeboard: This is your space! Submit your comments, ideas or suggestions on anything you have seen or want to see in Mum's the Word. This is also a space to advertise child related products or services, be they your own or something interesting that you have seen or heard about. Email me your contributions and if I deem them suitable I will happily put them up!

	We have a winner! Congrats t o  the following who  won swim nappies from Stegi: Natasha Wells, Ursula Cosgrove, Shukri Isaacs, Ada du Toit, Natasha Pereira and Bridget Gardiner. Congrats also to June Jooste, Christa Maans, Fazeela Salie and Fatima Diedericks who won Babydays calendars, and finally to the two winners of the Babysense CD, Debbie Oxche and Fatima Deidericks again (you don't enter, you don't win!!)!  For more  info see www.stegi.co.za , www.babydays.co.za or www.babysense.co.za.
	One of my reader's niece is expecting triplets - poor thing! The pregnancy itself came as a complete surprise, and having three - well they are blown away! Unfortunately this family is not well off, so if any of you out there have anything to donate or sponsor, please email me to arrange! Thanks!
	Next issue:  Holiday edition! Lots of giveaways and fun stuff! For other issues you can on the message board at www.mumstheword.co.za - whatever grabs you! Your comments on MTW would also be hugely appreciated!

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In Closing…

Just getting ready to send this edition off before my husband whisks me away for a night off! He has been sending me anonymous poems in the post hinting as to where we are going (Stellenbosch I think?) and I can't wait! My mom is having BOTH kids for the night - I am sure she will cope and I will have to control the urge to phone her every hour! But I can't think of anything better - nice food, lots of wine, pampering baths, my husband all to myself and a WHOLE NIGHT OF SLEEP! *bliss*. So adios amigos, I'm taking a 24 hour leave of absence - to be ME for a day!

Until next time…

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