NEWSLETTER - OCTOBER 2005

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CONTENTS
Ed's Note
Because I said so… your monthly column from the editor
Featured Article 1: Training Your Toddler, by Ann Richardson, author of Toddler Sense
Featured Article 2: Why Your Toddler Misbehaves, by Venecia Barries of The Parent Centre
Quick Coffee Break: Quote of the month from Mrs Beeton's Household Management
Bookclub: Plain Truth
Link up! SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT
Giveaways! See what's on offer this month
Noticeboard: Useful stuff!
In Closing...

Ed's Note

Whew what a busy month I have had! I have got myself a part time work from home job (like gold I know!) writing copy for a tourism website, so trying to fit everything has proved a challenge! However Mum's the Word is my first love and joy (after my hubby and daughter of course) but bill paying has to take priority! No worries, however, I aim to keep MTW very much alive and well so keep checking your inbox! On another note, my darling daughter obviously had a look at last month's issue and has now decided to start potty training a bit earlier than expected! The good news is that I haven't had to change a pooh bum in over 2 weeks, the bad news - a few suspicious stains on my carpets... let's just say that keeping a nappy on is not at the top of her list of priorities! I think it will be some time before we can ditch the nappy, but I'm proud of her progress so far! And seeing a little toddler doing her business in the potty, taking it to the loo, throwing it in and flushing it away - priceless!

Because I said so…

They say it gets easier, having a child that is. Babies are hard work, keeping you up at night, spitting up food, soiling nappy after nappy - in fact testing your every resource 24-7. Some of you may still be going through that baby stage right now and are waiting for the easier part to start. Well let me just burst your bubble right now. It only gets harder. Much much harder. The cute little babbling sweetheart who's smile wins you over every time, will become a little terror pressing every button you own just to get a reaction. I have days when I find myself shouting right back at my child as she screams for something I won't give her, and I start to wonder who the toddler in fact is! But try reasoning with a two year old. It just doesn't happen. As they start to learn language and get past the prerequesit 'Mommy' and 'Daddy', they will quickly learn the power of 'NO!', 'mine!' and Megan's favourite: 'more!'... now followed by the ever more difficult to resist... 'please?'. When you have played horsey for the umpteenth time in an hour and vowed 'just one more time' over and over, that little magic gets me right here - particularly when she says it without prompting. But of course she knows this, and the power that 'please' has over Mommy brings all sorts of excitement her way!

And just wait until they throw a tantrum in public. My first one happened in my local Woolies food market. I only needed one or two items so I (stupidly) let Megan run around rather than put her in the trolley (mistake number one). And well I only really needed bread and an onion so I didn't need a basket either (mistake number two). So I walked around the store to get to the bread, and of course realised I also need that, oh and one of those, and a couple of these... and before I knew it I had my purse under my arm, one hand trying to keep Megan in a vaguely straight direction, and the other arm laden with groceries. But we were nearly at the till, so I needn't bother grabbing a basket... (can I get any deeper?). Now this particular food mart has a coffee shop just beyond the queue to the tills, divided from the queue by a silver rail, just the right height for a toddler to slip under. So picture it... me, in the queue, one arm laden, the other trying to keep hold of a little hand that just won't cooperate, trying to stretch my arm longer and longer as she gets further under the railing heading for the coffee shop. And of course the more I say no the more she resists, until, the inevitable happens. My very strong sturdy little girl turns into a pile of jelly and just collapses on the floor, completely loose-limbed, and as soon as I let go to try get a better grip to pull her up, she suddenly regains coordination and races off. Round one to Megan. By now the queue is substantially longer behind me, and I look around, unsure. Of course everyone sort of looks on, no offers to help, nothing. So I put my little pile of groceries on the floor, tell the people in the queue to just keep going, and climb under the railing to go rescue my little runaway, who I hike under my arm, legs flailing everywhere and screaming reaching fever pitch, before nonchalantly bending down to retrieve my groceries, and somehow manoevre all of the above to the till, intact. And Mommy takes the gold!

Those of you who have been through a public tantrum will have experienced one of three reactions from those around you. One - complete indifference. These people have far more important things to think about than what someone's badly behaved kid is doing - 'now THAT'S why I don't want kids'. Two - outrage. 'Can't you handle your own children? That kid needs a firm smack'. And three - sympathy. 'Be strong, we've all been there! I can remember when mine was that age!' A friend of mine's toddler had a tantrum in the middle of a large shopping car park. Now this little boy is very strong and quite big for his age, and my friend has a bad back. And she knew from experience that nothing was going to sort him out in a hurry and there was no getting him in the carchair in his current state. So she did what we all know to do - put him on the tarmac and ignore him. Some people walked passed trying to pretend it wasn't happening, but surrepticiously glancing back every now and then. Others stopped to offer sympathy. Then there were the worst. The ones who stopped to ask if he was okay - was he having a fit or something? Shouldn't you pick him up? Ag shame man, poor thing - directed at the misbehaving child and not the at-the-end-of-her-tether mom!

But we know that we wouldn't trade them in for the world! Setting boundaries and considerate discipline will only make for stronger, more secure children - and hey even us mommies make mistakes. I think we just need to keep a sense of humour, look all those opinionates in the eye and say: "Listen, you take her home for the day, bring her back, then tell me about discipline!" And you only need to spend an evening at the Spur to be reminded that that there is always someone else out there with a naughtier child than yours!

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Featured Article: Taming Your Toddler
By Ann Richardson of Toddler Sense

Everybody loves a happy, smiling and friendly child. These 'fun' emotions are easy for everyone to handle. However, when the dark side of your toddler emerges, it becomes more difficult to manage.

No one knows more than you that your toddler is able to do a lot more now than he could when he was a baby. He wants to learn and discover more about this new and exciting life of his, but explodes with rage when he realizes that he still needs help in this new-found quest for independence! A child, just like an adult, will experience a range of different emotions in the course of each day. By not having the right words to express his anger, confusion, fear or insecurity, your toddler may signal his distress in non-verbal ways such as tears, wailing and flailing arms and legs. In some instances he will be so frustrated that he may push or bite another child. With sensitivity and consistency, you will be able to teach your child that all feelings are okay, but not all behaviours are.

Temper tantrums

Seemingly bad behaviour and temper tantrums seem to go together. Your delightful child suddenly stamps his feet defiantly if he can't get his own way, or flies into a rage for no apparent reason. Temper tantrums are a necessary and healthy (but difficult) part of growing up.

Toddlers have a low level of frustration - temper is easily triggered when things don't go according to their plan. In younger toddlers (under the age of 3), most tantrums are caused when they become frustrated with their inability to perform certain tasks, such as putting on their own shoes. This is when a helping hand, not punishment, is all that is needed, and the tantrum soon abates. If your four-year-old uses a tantrum to deliberately defy your authority, then something must be done about this.

It is important to remember that overtiredness and over-stimulation leading to sensory overload, also contribute towards temper tantrums and bad behaviour. It is especially worse in public situations, where unfamiliar people, loud noise, bright lights and different smells are too much for your toddler to handle. He will also know that he does not have your full attention in a public setting, so will play up in order to get it!

Prevention is better than cure!

	Modulate the stimulatory environment or remove your child from it if you see any signs of overload
	Watch awake times - try to plan outings and activities during your child's awake times to avoid tantrums and tears.
	Be consistent. Try to stick to a routine. Routine is important to toddlers - it gives them boundaries and predictability in their world, which helps them feel secure.
	Avoid hunger. Your toddler needs to eat frequently, so don't let him get too hungry - he will become very grumpy.
	Prevent a situation from arising: If you see that your two-year-old is struggling to put on his shoes and is getting frustrated, step in and offer to help him before he loses his temper.
	Offer him choices whenever possible. Instead of saying, "Eat your beans", rather say, "Would you like beans or squash?"
	Try to choose your battles - is it really the end of the world if your toddler goes out with two different shoes on?

Tackling temper tantrums

As a parent, it is always important to help your child make sense of what is happening and how he is feeling. This way, your toddler will learn to trust his feelings and solve many of his own problems.

Acknowledge his feelings

Try to get into the habit of always acknowledging how your child is feeling by giving his feeling a name, then mirror the feeling, then offer some sort of distraction. This way, your child will get the message from you that whatever he is experiencing is not dangerous, not out of control and can be managed.

Stay calm

Stay calm in the storm of the tantrum! Your role is to contain his distress, so don't stomp out of the room, try not to shout if he shouts, or be angry if he is angry (this will only lead to two toddlers in the room!)

Stand your ground

Don't give in to the tantrum - if you do this you will only be reinforcing the negative or bad behaviour. By conceding, you will only be teaching your child that all he needs to do is have a 'frothy' in order to get what he wants. It is best to ignore the behaviour.

In the throes of a tantrum, never plead, beg or negotiate - it will give your child the message that you are anxious and not in control.

Create distance

Walk away if you feel that you are losing control - take some deep breaths and count to ten, then return. Use 'time out' if your toddler is older than 2 years of age.

Give praise where due

Always remember to praise and acknowledge your child when he has handled a difficult situation well, or if he has done as you have asked. This way, you only reward positive behaviour, and largely ignore the negative behaviour.

Remember: Tempter tantrums are common and easy to handle - just keep calm and wait it out.

© Ann Richardson. Extract from Toddler Sense (Metz Press), courtesy of Ann Richardson. Toddler Sense can be ordered online at www.babysense.co.za.

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Featured Article 2: Understanding why your toddler misbehaves
By Venecia Barries of The Parent Centre

1. Attention
Attention is as important to children as food. And if they are not getting attention when they are well-behaved, they will misbehave to get your attention

What to do:

	Identify when it is attention-seeking behaviour, Your own feelings are a good clue. Often when you are feeling irritated by the child's behaviour, the child is seeking attention.
	Don't only pay attention to them when they are misbehaving. Pay attention when they are well-behaved.
	Find things for them to prevent boredom.

2. Tiredness
Toddlers, like grownups tend to have a decreased concentration span when they are tired. They also tend to cry more, complain more, be more resistant and to make more mistakes.

What to do:

	Be empathetic.
	Convey understanding and help them to understand themselves. Say to the toddler something like: 'You're not handling this very well because you are tired'.
	You may need to set a limit... 'So I think we'd better go home now'.
	Look into their bedtimes and naptimes and make adjustments where necessary.
	Keep waking times, naptimes and bedtimes as regular as possible.

3. Frustration
Toddlers experience a lot of frustration related to things they cannot do, cannot have and also by changes their body is going through (e.g. teething).

What to do:

	Be empathetic.
	Convey understanding by saying e.g. 'I can see that you're frustrated because you can't play with the toy'.
	You may need to set limits... 'but we don't hit others'.

4. Ignorance
A lot of the senseless things that toddlers do (e.g. cooking your favourite CD in the microwave) is because they lack common sense and also because they are not yet able to predict the consequences of their actions.

What to do:

	Have realistic expectations of your toddler.
	Be empathetic.
	Be watchful so that you can stop them but accept the fact that you cannot watch your child 24 hours a day.

5. Challenge / Power
It is normal for your toddler to constantly challenge limits and whilst they will probably protest against limit-setting, they gain security from knowing that the parent / caregiver is in charge.

What to do:

	Identify when it is a challenge or power struggle. Your own feelings are a good clue. Often when you are feeling angry, frustrated or out of control, a challenge or power struggle is occuring.
	Accept that your toddler will test limits and will protest when you enforce limits.
	Believe that you have a right and responsibility to be in charge and to set limits.
	Calm down. This helps the toddler to calm down. When you lose control, the power struggle tends to escalate.
	Allow choices where appropriate. Two choices are usually best.

Thanks to The Parent Centre for permission to use this article. The Parent Centre can be contact on 021-762 0116 or info@theparentcentre.co.za.

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Quick Coffee Break: Quote of the month from Mrs Beeton's Household Management

This month's gem comes from the chapter entitled: " The Nursery " (chapter LXXVII if you really need to know - this is how extensive the book is - I don't even know what number this is in regular numbers!):

"A mother's responsibilities are the greatest that a woman can have, for with her rests not only the care for the daily needs of food, clothing and the like of her children, but, what is even more important, their moral training. No matter what good nurses and attendants she may be able to engage for her little ones, what pleasures, changes of air, model nurseries, toys and books she may afford for their benefit, she should still devote some part of her time to them at any rate; should be with them often, should know their individual childish tastes and faults, and strive by her influence, precepts and example to make them what she hopes they may be in the future."

More words of wisdom next month!

Bookclub: Plain Truth, by Jodi Picoult

Aaron Fisher is shocked to find the body of a newborn baby hidden under a pile of old blankets in his barn. Surely no one in his Amish community is capable of such a thing. But when the police are summoned they are not so mystified;  they claim that the mother is Aaron's 18-year-old daughter, Katie ,and all evidence points to Katie having murdered her newborn .  Ellie Hathaway, a hot-shot lawyer from the city slicker and  distant relative of Katie's, is trying to take a respite from life in  the fast lane, and instead takes on this seemingly no-win

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Link up! SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT!

The Mums the Word interactive message forum is now up and running! Post your questions, comments or announcement about your pregnancy, baby or toddler, or anything that grabs your fancy, and let other like minded mums follow up or offer advice! We aim to grow this message forum and keep mums coming back to keep the forum up to date and relevant. If you have any topic or other suggestions please email me on sally@mumstheword.co.za . You can see the forum at www.mumstheword.co.za. Visit it now and start the conversations!

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WINWINWIN! This Month's Giveaways!

Toys
Keep your toddlers entertained and out of trouble with Toybox toys, courtesy of Di De Villiers of Moms & Babes. We have two toys to give away to two lucky readers. The first is Tooti-Frooti, a game about colour recognition and counting, suitable for toddlers aged 3 and up. The other is Stacking Shapes - learn colours, shapes and fine motor skills to stack the disks onto the spokes... To be in line to win simply reply to this email with "Toy Giveaway" in the subject line with your contact details in the body - it cannot be easier. Closing date 25 September 2005. If you would like to find out more about Moms & Babes (an excellent program for 2 - 12 months) or to order your Toybox toys, contact Di on 021-6718690.

Bath products
Having trouble getting your toddler in the bath? Make bathtime fun with products from Acorn Kids. Your toddler will have a ball in his colourful bath - blue, red, green or even purple bath, with Angel Bath powder. We have a three-pack set of Angel Bath powders to give away worth R75 to give away. To enter simply reply to this email with "Acorn Giveaway" in the subject line - don't forget to include your contact details. Closing date 25 October 2005. To order your Acorn products contact Tanya on 559 4694 or see www.acornkids.net.

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Noticeboard: This is your space! Submit your comments, ideas or suggestions on anything you have seen or want to see in Mum's the Word. This is also a space to advertise child related products or services, be they your own or something interesting that you have seen or heard about. Email me your contributions and if I deem them suitable I will happily put them up!

	Mums the Word has decided to support a local project called The Bag Ladies who collects goodies to put into little bags to hand out to children being admitted to the Red Cross Children's Hospital. Going to hospital is such a scary experience for little ones so the aim is to make it just that much easier by getting a present when you arrive. They are looking for goodies to fill their bags, such as toiletries (soap, faceclothes, etc.) and activity items, such as small puzzles, crayons, colouring books, etc. If you would like to donate any items or a cash amount (I will use any cash received to buy goodies on your behalf), you can contact me directly: sally@mumstheword.co.za.
	Thula Baby Centre is now open in Moullie Point. Offering i mmunizations, baby monitoring, breast feeding counseling, antenatal classes, baby massage classes mommy teas, workshops and talks and great products on sale made by moms for moms. For more info contact Lindsay on 082 8822211.
	MTN Sciencentre monday specials! For the months of September and October 2005, adults get in at half price (R12) while kids go in for FREE! (Conditions: children must be accompanied by a paying adult; special not valid for groups of 10 or more; special not valid on 16 Septmber). For more info see www.mtnsciencentre.org.za or phone (021) 529-8100.
	We have a winner! The winner of last month's Toddler Sense and the Stegi training pants was independently drawn by the sponsor concerned, and the lucky winner of both was Heidi Hudson-Bennet! Heidi has been a winner on numerous occassions, purely because she enters every time, so don't forget to send in your entries asap to be in line!  Toddler Sense can be ordered from www.babysense.co.za and Stegi products at www.stegi.co.za.
	A few Sundays ago we took Megan to The Barnyard in Steenberg on the advice of friends - what a great place for kids! The Barnyard offers a range of animals and a huge enclosed sandpit in the middle of the tea garden, so parents can sit back and relax while their children entertain themselves! There are also swings, jungle gyms with slides and pushcars to keep them busy. The food was good although the service a little on the slow side, but to be fair it was the first non-rainy Sunday in some time and therefore very busy. I also advice you to stop at the farmstall first because by the time you leave all the lovely fresh goodies are sold! The Barnyard can be contacted on 7126934.
	Next issue: open forum! Post any questions or issues that you feel need to be discussed on the message board at www.mumstheword.co.za - whatever grabs you! Your comments on MTW would also be hugely appreciated.

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In Closing…

I can't believe this month has gone so fast. Summer is already (almost!) upon us and soon my little monkey will be two - it's hard to keep up these days!  I hope that you all find the toddler taming advice useful - I know that I have! As always, I am on the lookout for any contributions, connections or submissions, you know how to reach me (for those porridge brains out there it's sally@mumstheword.co.za)! Please also keep sending your newsletters on - and feedback is always welcome!

Until next time…

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